Promises

All around you
In every direction
Promises were kept

~~~

The snow gently falls
The moon hangs in the sky
And somewhere the cry of a whale
Is heard by no one

~~~

December remains true to her implied namesake
Deliberately moving us forward
Beckoning us towards something new
While war rages and hate kills
And time is measured by a death-toll score

~~~

Still, the clock chimes midnight
And a new year begins
Reminding us that we have choices to make
And only right now to make them

~~~

So dive into the vastness of every moment
White-knuckle grip the opportunities of everyday
Show love. Give love. Make love.
For even the smallest fragments
Contain within them long and careful consideration

Lost and Found

Through my weight loss journey, I found myself. Unfortunately, I did not take many full-body pictures at the start of my weight loss. However, in the side-by-side comparison, you can tell my face is smaller, the same shirt fits me much more loosely, and I do not take up as much of the frame. You can also clearly see my collarbone in the picture on the right, which is nonexistent in the picture on the left. These pictures are nine months apart.

Last week, I stepped on the scale and found I had lost 100 pounds. That is a huge milestone that I was not sure I would achieve. I weighed myself three times to ensure my eyes were not playing tricks on me. When the same number appeared all three times, I started crying. I cannot remember the last time I felt so proud of myself.

I learned a lot during this journey, and I thought I would share some of those lessons in the hopes they will help someone else. These lessons would have helped me during my journey if I had known them going in.

Lesson One: You cannot spot reduce fat. There are a lot of fitness influencers on social media, and if you see any that say, “Do XYZ to lose belly fat, arm fat, or leg fat,” you need to know they are lying. Please do not get me wrong; exercise is an essential part of your journey, and you can undoubtedly tone muscle groups in your stomachs, arms, legs, and anywhere else on your body, but doing 100 crunches will not help you lose belly fat. Sorry! It’s discouraging, I know. The only things that will help you lose belly fat are a calorie deficit and consistency. Your middle will likely be the last place you lose fat, but it comes down to genetics.

Lesson Two: Start small and build. If you are inactive, it is not wise to start trying to do a hundred squats a day or walk five miles. It is, however, okay if all you can do is three squats and walk ten steps. Small movements are better than none. This will also help you learn your limitations and how far you can push yourself.

Lesson Three: Rest is essential. When you strength train, you tear down muscles. Your muscles grow during rest, so taking days off from weight lifting and prioritizing sleep is crucial. It’s incredibly difficult to lose fat and recover on little sleep, so turn off your phones and television and go to bed early. Aim for at least seven hours; ideally, you should strive for eight.

Lesson Four: WATER! WATER! WATER! I have been consistent with both a balanced diet and exercise for ten months, and I still struggle with this. However, water is essential for weight loss. It helps flush out toxins, is excellent for your skin, promotes elasticity, and, most importantly, keeps you hydrated.

Lesson Five: There are no miracle drugs, bras, jewelry, or any other ridiculous claims that will help you lose weight. Again, sorry, but also not sorry. You need to be in a calorie deficit, which means you need to burn more calories than you intake on a weekly basis. It is the only way to lose weight. No drug or material is going to shed those pounds. Save your money.

Lesson Six: Unless you have celiac disease or are diabetic, carbs are not the enemy. No food is off-limits. In fact, small indulges can help keep you on track. I have lost 100 lbs in ten months, and I still occasionally enjoy pasta, bread, chocolate, pizza, fries, and even chips. No food will make you fat. It is the overconsumption of food that makes you fat. With that said, lean proteins, vegetables, and fruits are full of nutrients that fuel your body. You can eat more for fewer calories, and they will keep you satiated for extended periods. My go-to phrase is “Have what you want, but add what you need.” For example, if I want pizza, and I mean authentic pizza, not cauliflower crust or healthy versions, I have it, but I add salad, cottage cheese, or vegetables with it so I do not overeat the pizza and get fiber and healthy fats in my meal. Everything in moderation.

The biggest hurdle for me was healing my relationship with food. I no longer use it as comfort. Nor do I eat for the sake of eating. I eat to simply fuel my body, but I still enjoy it. I treated myself to a donut on my birthday, and I did not feel an ounce of guilt. That was a huge moment for me. When I started my journey, I would have beat myself up for enjoying something that brings me joy simply because it is labeled “junk.” I no longer look at food that way. Donuts are perfectly fine in moderation, and as long as I stay in a calorie deficit, they will not hinder my progress. If you are on a weight loss journey, I strongly encourage you to heal your relationship with food first. It can be so toxic to your mental health to constantly beat yourself up for enjoying foods that are not as nutritious as others.

It is also crucial to remember to go easy on yourself. Food addiction is a real thing, and it takes time. Go easy on yourself. You deserve love from yourself, too.

I am still not where I want to be, but I am closer to my goal weight than ever, and I know I will get there!

If you are on any journey, you can get there too!

You’ve got this.

I’ve got this.

We’ve got this.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

Christmas Day

The snow falls

And I sit here and dream of

A bowl of clementines adorning our table

And a sheet of sandtarts baking in our oven

Pieces of our past mixing with our present

~~~

The snow falls

And I sit here and think of you

Kissing me beneath the mistletoe

The lights from the tree reflected in your eyes

The only present I will ever need

~~~

The snow falls

…

…

…

…

And so do I

Clydesdale

On a sidewalk running parallel to Main Street

in downtown Oakland, Maryland

the sun catches prism powder

and the eyes of a Clydesdale

smile at me with kindness

It has come gladly from its sleigh

to welcome me

She bows her head gracefully

like a swan on a lake

I gently place my hand on her nose

and she nuzzles against my palm

She is brown and white

and her mane falls wildly over her eyes

Mine, also brown and white,

falls wildly over my shoulders

Suddenly, I realize I share her spirit

for she must have recognized her own kindness

behind the returning smile in my eyes

Shadows

This morning, as I was getting my morning coffee, I saw a shadowed figure of a woman on the wall. She was sexy. Her silhouette was neither tiny nor large. She had curves and legs for miles. When she turned sideways, the only noticeable humps were the outline of her breasts and her very shapely derriere. Oh! How envious I became because I always wanted a perfectly sculpted and rounded behind like the one she was sporting. She was so feminine. She was so unlike me.

As I turned to see if the woman was as sexy as her silhouette portrayed, the realization finally struck me. I was the only person in the room. You see, I was not just getting my coffee, I was making it. Sexy women do not just help themselves to coffee in my kitchen. That shadowed, feminine silhouette could have not belonged to any other woman but me.

I laughed at first over the absurdity of growing envious over my own butt, but then I felt sad.

These are the things nobody talks about when it comes to weight loss. My mind would not allow me to believe such a sexy figure could be my own because I am not used to seeing myself as sexy. I am not used to being the ninety-pound plus lighter version of myself.

In my mind, I am still that grieving, pushing-three-hundred-pounds woman grieving the loss of her mother, feeling so unloved because while I watched my mother die, my husband grew bored by my absence and found comfort in another. I deemed myself unworthy of love. I had never received love I did not have to heal from, and I believed that must be what I deserved. I did not know who I was without my mother’s criticism, and I was so stunned by the betrayal. I felt so low and like I had nowhere to turn because everyone else I knew was happy in their relationships. All my friends still had their mothers. I felt so alone, and so I turned to the only comfort I could find–

Food. Food did not berate me. It did not make me feel misunderstood. It did not seek out other women’s attention. It did not ask questions I either did not have the answers for or more often than not, did not want to answer because it meant taking a look inward to find the “whys.”

Nobody told me once I lost the weight I would still feel enormous. Nobody told me how I had to heal my relationship with food. Nobody told me that physical losses and gains start in the mind.

I am still not where I want to be, but I no longer consider myself obese. I notice new things about myself all the time. To be honest, I cannot keep my hands off my new figure. My mind is still adjusting to how I look and feel now that I am not carrying more than ninety extra pounds around. There’s a part of me that wonders if I will ever see my shadow on the wall and not immediately wonder who it belongs to because it could not possibly be mine.

Perhaps not, but that is okay. I am not that same woman. I am growing into the best version of myself. The woman who does know that even at my heaviest, I deserved a love I never had to heal from. It is not my size that determines my worth. It is not my outer appearance that makes me beautiful.

We are souls with bodies, and it is the light we carry that makes us beautiful.

However, it feels damn good to look at my silhouette and think, “Wow! She’s sexy.” It is okay to use inspiration wherever we find it.

So, I will continue on this journey for her, the heavy-set woman who deemed herself unworthy of love. She always deserved love she did not have to heal from. So, I am giving that to her. I am showing her what self-love truly feels like. She loved me enough to take that first step, and I love her enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Join me, won’t you?

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

He

His words are the words I cannot forget

His lines of pleasure and regret

Are my treasure. The price my heart will gladly pay

He is the light of early morning

The red sky of a sailor’s warning

A thousand different things transforming

Within the measure of a day

~~~

He is the pauper and the prince

The T.V. dinner and gourmet dish

Can turn each second into a heaven or a hell

He is the reflection of all my dreams

The fabric woven through my seams

He is not all that he may seem

Inside his shell

~~~

He, who stands so calmly in a crowd

Dark eyes so private and so proud

Won’t allow slipped emotions through his tears

He is the love forever cast

Comes to me from hauntings of the past

That I’ll remember through my remaining years

~~~

He is the reason I’m alive

The why and wherefore I’ve survived

The one I’ll cherish through the rough and steady years

Me, I’ll take his joy and painful spears

And hold them close as souvenirs

For where he is I need to be

The meaning of my life is he

Wild and Wonderful

It has been a long time since I have shared any of my photographs, and I have taken some beautiful pictures over the past few months. I have also been blessed with adventures with people I have not seen in a long time. So, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone and share an adventure I had back in July.

My bestie, Christen (yes, we have the same name), moved closer to home a couple of years ago. She moved from Arizona to Buckhannon, West Virginia, and it has been a wonderful treat now that she is only two hours from me instead of clear across the country.

I have been out to visit her a few times now, but in July, we had a chance to spend a weekend together, just the two of us, and we found ourselves sharing feelings, singing at the top of our lungs, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. These are the moments I live for!

---

Christen and her boyfriend, Nick, worked very hard at creating a home that is not only beautiful but welcoming. I always feel cozy and right at home every time I see the house come into view.

---

On my first night there, we went chasing fireflies and sunsets. I really wish I could show you the videos I took. Perhaps I should start a YouTube channel!

Christen spotted a baby raccoon! We worried like crazy over this little guy, hoping he would not get electrocuted.

After enjoying the beauty of nature surrounding us and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, we retreated inside, where Christen made a delicious dinner, and I played with the fur babies!

Meet Lemmy! A sweet girl who is very curious of me but not overly interested. She let me pet her this trip, though, which was progress! She’s warming up to me.

Meet Awien, a sweet kitty who used to run from my presence but found herself rubbing against my leg and purring under my touch. I think it might be because I fed her. Haha!

Meet Jessy, a sweet, rambunctious puppy who became my shadow that weekend. She followed me everywhere, and I took in her cuddles and playful nature!

And last but most certainly not least, meet Cowboy, a sweet and loveable border collie. The chillest and oldest of the crew, who is always eager to show me love and looks at me the way every heterosexual woman wants to be looked at by a man. Haha!

And here are a few more pictures because one can never get enough of seeing cute animals!

Remember that dinner I mentioned? Christen made a delicious vegetable pasta paired with spinach and tomato salad, and white wine! It was fabulous!

---

The next day, we visited a state park that felt like we had stepped into another world. A world filled with wonder and magic. A place so beautiful that everyone we passed could not help but be kind. The beauty that enveloped us would make even Ebenezer Scrooge as saintly as Mother Theresa.

The place was called Audra State Park, and I would apologize for all the pictures, but I think you will enjoy the beauty so much I will not have to. I would really like to visit this place in the winter. I can imagine it is just as magical, only for different reasons.

---

We started our visit with a swim, which felt fabulous! I had not been swimming in ages, and the water felt so good! I did not get pictures of us swimming because water and cell phones do not mix well, but I managed a few post-swim selfies, and Christen snapped photos of us looking like hot messes. That’s okay, though. We had fun, and you can tell by the looks on our faces that we were legitimately happy!

*Side note: it is crazy to me to look back on these photos now. I remember being proud of how smaller I was in these photos compared to where I started on my weight loss journey. Looking at them now, I think I look huge because I am probably about forty pounds lighter than when these photos were taken!

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After our swimming adventure, we enjoyed a picnic, and as much as I love autumn, I now find myself longing for another picnic!

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After our picnic, we went hiking around the park in flip-flops, no less!

If you know me, you know my favorite flowers are wild!

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Then we spotted a metal slide that made us laugh and reminisce over the numerous times we burnt our legs as children sliding down it in the hot summer sun.

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These are the magical views we spotted along the trails. I will leave you to appreciate the beauty that Mother Nature offers!

We are adorable!! This one is frame-worthy!

I absolutely love how this one turned out!

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On the trek back to the car, we came across a swing set, and Christen asked me if I wanted to swing. And just like that, we stopped reminiscing and released our inner child.

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After our state park adventure, we returned home, cleaned up, and went out for Mexican! Yum!

I must say, I clean up nicely!

---

And finally, on the last morning, I picked out my favorite mug (we both have a coffee mug obsession) and enjoyed my bestie’s company before I had to make the two-hour trip back home.

I sincerely hope you enjoyed looking through the beautiful pictures. I am so looking forward to another trip to Audra State Park and, even more so, spending time with my bestie! Stay tuned for more adventures with Christen and Kristian!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

You Say I Am Strong

You say I am strong

But you have never met me in the dark

Where fists of grief pulled at my hair

Where stinging tear streams stained my cheeks and refused to stop

Where screams I did not recognize clawed their way from my throat

~~~

You say I am strong

But you have never met me on the shower floor

Where fear made a home in my lungs and refused to leave

Where numbness coursed through my veins

And I prayed for pain just to feel something

~~~

You say I am strong

But you have never met me in silence

Where my heart aches trying to understand

Where my mind wanders to places it should not—

Places that do not heal my broken spirit.

~~~

You say I am strong

But you have never met me in the quiet

Where the quiet makes me think

And thinking makes me remember

And remembering brings the pain

~~~

You say I am strong

But you have never met me at the bottom of the ocean

Where I am caught between that rock and that hard place

Where I tried to swim to the surface but all I could do was weep

Where I stayed wrapped in the comfort of unhappiness

~~~

You say I am strong…

The Girl I Used to Know

If I could travel back to nine months ago, I would hug her so tightly. You see, I used to hate her. I would look at her in the mirror every day and ask what was wrong with her.

“How did you let yourself get this way?”

“You don’t feel beautiful because you are not beautiful.”

“You will never be thin.”

“Why do you stay where you are not wanted?”

I was so mean to her.

But nine months ago, she loved me enough to stop making excuses. To stop researching and start actually doing. She put in the work, although it was hard.

If I could travel back to eight months ago, I would look her in the eye and tell her she is worth more than she knows. I would show her the love I did not give her and a bit of advice to heed.

I would tell her that pilates is her best friend, intermittent fasting helps keep her on track, and to increase her protein.

If you’re on a weight loss journey, here is some advice to help you:

If you eat less and move more, you will lose weight.

If you eat less, move more, and eat more protein, it will help you lose body fat.

If you eat less, move more, eat more protein, and lift weights, you will lose body fat and tone your body!

If I could travel back to seven months ago, I would tell her how proud I am of her. She stuck with better eating habits and consistent workouts for three months, and it started to show!

If I could travel back to six months ago, I would tell her she is amazing and deserves happiness. I would remind her that she has always been beautiful, even though we did not always believe it, and that she will grow to feel better in her skin before she reaches her goal weight.

If I could travel back to five months ago, I would tell her she ignores the doubt because I know she never believed in herself. She still struggles with doubt sometimes, but the thing about her is that she loves to prove people wrong. Even herself.

If I could travel back to four months ago, I would tell her she does not have to wait until she hits her goal weight to feel good about herself. That her consistency will pay off even when things get hard. There are parts of her that make her unhappy, but she deserves grace.

If I could travel back to three months ago, I would remind her of her strength and how her posture, balance, and flexibility have improved. How she feels better, how her skin, hair, and nails are healthier, and how she is glowing into her best self!

If I could travel back to two months ago, I would tell her to stop obsessing. I would remind her of how far she has come and that she will not see progress by checking herself out in the mirror every day. She is doing all the right things. She just needs to stick with it, and the results will happen.

If I could go back to one month ago, I would remind her that she is capable of far more than she realizes. I would lay down next to her on the floor that sad day she berated herself for getting herself in this mess in the first place, and hold her close and tell her that everything will be okay. I would remind her that it is perfectly okay to feel down sometimes and that this process is not easy, but it is not okay to punish herself because that is not what she deserves.

And to the current woman staring back at me in the mirror,

Keep this post to remind yourself how far you have come. Look at February’s photo and compare it to today’s. You are stronger, braver, and more fierce than you know, and you will continue to prove that to yourself and the world.

If you have ever been on a weight loss journey, you know how difficult this journey can be, but consistency is key!

You’ve got this.

We’ve got this.

I’ve got this.

I do not hate me anymore.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

Hello, Thirty-Nine

Today, thirty-nine knocked at my door

 And I have been thinking (as one often does)

When completing another revolution around the sun

What do I hope to reflect upon next year when forty knocks?

~~~

So, I took a walk to clear my mind and think of the lessons I have learned—

I watched the sun dip below the rolling hills of brown

And although the trees are mostly bare

The scene looked as though I had stepped into a portrait of autumn

Hues of gold and orange were cast upon the land

And like all hopeless romantics before me

I fell under the light-cast spell

~~~

We live in a world where the sun is kind enough to paint the sky good morning and goodnight

And it feels like a silly thing to pause a moment for when our neighbors are playing tug-o-war

And the world turns dark and cold.

Perhaps that’s the lesson—

To pause the moments and give gratitude for the sun

~~~

And then I heard the squawk of geese flying overhead

And I thought of my mom, who always loved geese

And I cried—

Not only for my loss and the weight of missing her

But for her loss of all the things she missed

~~~

I do not want to miss out on living

And perhaps that was my gift—

The reminder to simply stop existing

And truly live

~~~

To plan more adventures—

To ride on the back of a motorcycle like I have always wanted to

To spend more time dancing

And baking

And writing

And creating memories with the people I love

~~~

But when the clock chimed dusk, the wind grew cold

It nipped my skin

And I recalled the hardships—

The sting of betrayal

And loss

And heartache

~~~

And when the sun completely fell out of sight

And darkness crept across the rolling hills of brown

I thought maybe this was the lesson of my thirties—

The betrayals

The losses

The heartaches

They sting because I continue holding on

Perhaps living lies in letting go

~~~

It is dark now, but the sun will rise again tomorrow

And while our neighbors are playing tug-o-war

And the world rotates dark and cold

I will take more adventures

And continue pausing moments when the sun paints the sky good morning and goodnight

Because it is in the noticing of those still moments

Where it feels like stepping into the portrait of autumn

When I am truly living, and I don’t want to miss it

“Hello, thirty-nine.”