Hello Friends, It’s Been A Long Time

I have been sitting in my chair staring at the laptop screen for ten minutes, unsure of where to begin. Life has been chaotic and beautiful lately!

We are finally on the verge of a post-pandemic normal, and I’m happy for things to start opening back up again. I received my second dose of the vaccine on Tuesday. Yesterday, I felt like I had been hit by a truck, but it beats the alternative, so I slept a lot and caught up on Supernatural. I’m almost halfway through the last season. It’s bittersweet.

School is going well. I finished the Spring semester with flying colors! I had one teacher who absolutely should not be a teacher because in all of my years of academia, including grade school, she is by far the worst teacher I have ever had. I use the term “teacher” loosely because she didn’t actually teach.

Last month, we visited our niece, Ivy! She is growing so quickly, but she is the sweetest baby who loves to snuggle for a few seconds before she wants down again to play. ❤

I could go on about the deaths in my family, the numerous trials I’ve been through recently, and even some of the joys I’ve experienced, but life is full of ups and downs, so I’ll just leave you with some recent sunset photos and promise to try my best to get back in the blogging game!

I am working on a short story!! I hope to get that posted soon.

I hope all of you have been well!

Love & life lessons,


Posted in Personal, This Is Me | Tagged , , , | 18 Comments

Love At Half Moon (February Prompt)

I am posting this one again because I have decided to get back to this story!

Feb. WIP Challenge: Waves of Love

Lauren & Jared

It had been two years since Lauren had lost her family in that horrible accident on the way home from the airport on Christmas Eve. Lauren had slipped into such a deep depression that her friends grew increasingly worried about her. She had stopped writing. Her food blog, cookbooks, and YouTube cooking channel were her career, and not only had she not been writing, she hadn’t been cooking either. A few of her loyal followers had also grown concerned, sending emails and personal messages through social media. After a really long, heartfelt conversation with her best friend, David, she decided to give therapy a try.

Her therapist advised Lauren to write about her pain and grief. That it might bring her some healing, and Lauren was surprised to find out that during this transition, her followers were incredibly supportive. Some even offered to let her come and stay with them to get her out of the house, or offer inspiration to start cooking again. She poured her heart out about her feelings from the accident, and how painful grief was, and her followers empathized, some sent her cards in the mail, gave her their phone numbers so she could call them if she needed someone to just be there to listen, and she was so touched by the warmth and acceptance, she dived head first.

It’s where it all started, her love for lucid dreaming. She noticed she was getting quite a lot of likes from a certain follower who referred to himself as “The Detective.” Having always been taken with “Sherlock Holmes,” Lauren’s interests were piqued. As luck would have it “The Detective” wrote poetry about the world from his astral point of view. His poems were so beautiful and well written, it made Lauren curious, and before long the two were talking and he was giving her tips on how to lucid dream.

It took Lauren a year to finally learn how to completely control her dreams, but she had no idea where those dreams would lead, and to be perfectly honest, neither did “The Detective.”

February 10th, 2018 (1 year practicing lucid dreaming, 3 years since the loss of her entire family)

Lauren sat in the backseat of David’s car, his partner, Matt beside him in the passenger seat. Matt would casually reach his hand over and pat David’s thigh, their eyes meeting just briefly, but long enough for their eyes to make love to each other’s souls, and David would turn his attention back to the road. Lauren tried desperately not to notice, she even made a race between two raindrops trickling down the back, passenger window, she found herself routing for the left raindrop. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for her friend, she was ecstatic that he had found someone who was so good to him, and he deserved it, more than anyone else she knew. However, it was hard not to be bitter around this holiday, a holiday she was never really all that into to begin with, but once one loses their forever valentine, the holiday becomes even more lonesome.

She watched as they pulled up in front of “The Half Moon,” a bed and breakfast that she had “helped” her dad build, by hammering a nail or two in the entire b&b. Her dad’s sister owns the eclectic place that draws lots of visitors in the summer but not a lot during the winter months. Lauren had agreed to watch the place for a couple of months while her Aunt Tina flew to Hawaii for the birth of her granddaughter.

“I swear, Lauren, you become more and more beautiful every day!” Her aunt Tina exclaimed as she hugged her niece.

Lauren chuckled, “You’re too kind Aunt Tina.”

“Nonsense, you’re gorgeous, it runs in your genes.” She said popping her hip and flipping her hair.

“Are you sure you can’t stay?” Lauren turned to David and Matt, thanking them for driving her.

“Yeah, we really need to get back, we have a few errands we have to run tomorrow.” David replied.

“Okay,” Lauren sighed. “I’m really going to miss you!” She threw her arms around David.

“I’m going to miss you too, sweetheart.” I’m going to come and visit one weekend. I promise.” He said looking into her eyes.

“I’m holding you to it.”

Lauren’s aunt walked her through the routine of booking rooms, cleaning schedule, and rewards clients. Aunt Tina had a very sweet soul and she gave discounts to single mothers, veterans, and anyone who was cold and had no place to stay. She didn’t charge full price, and all of the meals were free.

“And then there’s Marcus,” her aunt turned to her and smiled. “He came in about a month ago or so, and he saw the picture, you know, my favorite one of all of us, you, your mom, Katie, and me. You and Katie, you were always more like sisters than cousins.”

“We still are, I’ve already made plans to come stay with her when she gets home with the baby.”

“Of course you have,” she kissed Lauren’s temple. “He picked it up and his eyes instantly landed on you, he was enamored. He said something about your smile, I can’t remember his exact words, but he was pretty much saying it was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. I told him about your laugh, and how it comes all the way from your toes, and when something really strikes you funny, you won’t be able to stop laughing, and it’s one of my favorite things about you.”

“Okay, so what about him?”

“He’s different, because he knows I do this, so he donates a lot of his money so that I can stay open. It’s how I can afford to give meals for free, or give returning costumers a free night stay once in a while. Honestly, he donates so much, I could probably close the two months I’m going to be gone and be okay.”

“Wow. What does he do?”

“He’s a detective.”

Lauren let out a soft chuckle.

“I know how you like detectives.”

“Does he have dark, curly hair and pop the collar on his jacket?”

The ladies couldn’t stop their giggles. “Oh Lauren, I have always adored your sense of humor, you get it from your daddy.”

“I mean, it seems to do something for me.”

“Well I don’t know about the popped collar. His hair is brown, but it’s not curly. And anyway, that’s not the point of my story,”

A few moments of silence fell between them.

“What is the point, Aunt Tina?”

“I told him about you coming to run the place while I went to Hawaii for two months.”


“I mean, I don’t know, you know what, he probably won’t, he was only here on a job.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. I’m a crazy woman.”

“I think I believe you.”

Aunt Tina laughed before hugging her. “Alright, well I’ve got a plane to catch.”

“Alright, Aunt Tina, down worry about the b&b. I’ll take care of it.”

“I know you will, and while you’re here, maybe you can start making new recipes again?”

“Maybe.” she paused, truly giving it some thought. “Well, let me know when you get there, and give Katie a big hug from me.”

“Will do, baby girl.”

Lauren sighed, and decided she would head to the master suite, take a long relaxing soak in the Jacuzzi, and call it a night.

The next morning was beautiful, the sun was shining, a dusting of snow blanketed the ground and trees and Seattle’s Best coffee was calling Lauren’s name She put on the Temptations record, using a Swiffer as a microphone and danced around like a fool.
She was just in the middle of “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg,” when she heard him clear his throat. Blushing, she still turned towards his gaze, and she dropped her Swiffer as soon as she saw him, the man from her dreams…
“The Detective.”

*There will be a Part Two

Love & life lessons,


Posted in Ficton, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

You and I

We must stop the haunting

ways we think

and dust the cobwebs of doubt


We must fight the demons

that whisper we are not

good enough for each other,

my love.

I cannot speak for you,

but, you spend

so much time

exhausted with yourself

you forget that this love

is impossible to be stolen

for my love has no rewards

and my clocks do not tell time.

My darling, you ask what

you are good at doing,

you tell me there are

better men.

“You’re crazy!”

I say with a smile

as I think of a hundred

things you do well.

Sitting across from you, sipping my coffee –

all I know, you and I

are better at being happy just having coffee

than anyone else I know.

Posted in Love, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

At Least I Can Laugh!

It’s been a long time since I have just sat down with a glass of wine, put on some music, and poured my heart out into my laptop. After chatting with a friend yesterday, I found that it’s time.


Life, much like the weather, sunny and 75 one day and 29 and snowing the next, has me feeling like the weight of an elephant is sitting on my chest. In just one week, earlier last month, our basement flooded, the water heater needed fixing, and the dishwasher stopped working. I joked with my repairman that he and I were becoming intimate after his 3rd visit in the same week and he caught me working out to my guilty pleasure music.

I am happy with my workout routines and eating habits. Some weeks have been less productive than others, and some weeks have had more cheat days than I would prefer; however, I am learning to be easier on myself. I am still making progress, and I knew this journey was going to be a long one. It takes time to break years worth of habits, and I truly am doing the best I can. That’s all I can ask of myself.

I see the progress in my waist; I’m telling ya, if you want a smaller waist, incorporate “The twist” into your daily routine!

The most significant difference I’m starting to notice is how my clothes fit, and I have to be overly aware of this matter now, a lesson I’ve learned the hard way.

About a month ago, I was cooking, and I realized I was out of olive oil. I was still in my sports bra and leggings from my workout (I do kettlebell training after dinner,) so I threw on a hoodie and ran up to the convenience store just up the hill. I failed to realize I picked up the hoodie that has become somewhat loose in my shoulders and chest in my hurried state. I also didn’t notice that my sports bra became unzipped. If it hadn’t have been for the look on the cashier’s face, his eyes bulging out of their sockets and his jaw dragging the floor after I bent down to pick up the wallet I dropped, I probably wouldn’t have noticed at all.

When I averted my gaze to the source of his facial expression, I realized I had flashed him the perfect view of my lady bits. I stood as quickly as possible, looking anywhere but his eyes, and apologized profusely. The poor cashier couldn’t stop clearing his throat, and the woman standing next to him couldn’t contain her giggles.

Meanwhile, I have had to find a new convenience store.

School is going very well! I ended the first term with straight A’s, and two weeks into the second term, that streak is remaining!

My favorite class is “Understanding Movies.” I’m impressed with my professor. He has directed a short film, and it won all kinds of awards. He has also published a screenplay. He likes for us to break down specific scenes and apply the terminology of editing, cinematography, and acting techniques to our discussions. I am having a blast doing so, and I have received a perfect score on all three of the discussions I have made. I don’t say this to brag. I find it fun, and he tells me that I have excellent writing skills, and I clearly back up my points with comparisons between scenes to make it easy for the reader to understand. He has me wanting to write more about this for the blog. Expect some future blog posts about delving deeper into movies. Reely Bernie, I’ll make sure to let you know about those posts because I would love to hear your perspective on those subjects!

I have been spending my mornings meditating, writing in my Daily Stoic journal, and doing yoga. Recently, I have incorporated 2 Tbsp of apple cider vinegar mixed with carbonated water into my morning routine. I am also keeping a gratitude list, and it has helped improve my mindset. I am going to be posting a blog post about this soon, too.

I spent some time with my dad the other day. His brother passed away recently, and I went to the viewing with my dad to pay my respects, and mostly, to be there to support my father. I don’t have any ill feelings towards this uncle; we just weren’t very close. However, I do feel sorrow for those who were close to him.

Life is full of ups and downs, those of you I am closest to understand my struggles, which run deep, but I always try to make the best out of every situation.

At the end of the day, at least I can laugh!

Love & life lessons,


Posted in Laugh Out Loud, Lessons, Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Nothing Gold Ever Stays

I am taken

with my skin

when concealed by the thinnest cloth

and bathed in sunlight

when I stand still

long enough

to watch the light

make love to the dark

I feel the most understood –

for that juxtaposition

of dark and gold

is in me

what would you do

if I bathed you in my light

laid bare-breasted on your floor

and spilled my demons?

would you be just as taken

as I am with the sun –

or would my darkness

overcast your shadows?

this place, my home –

more lyric than mountains

more gold than fields of wheat

is in me

like the roots beneath the trees

holding steadfast the heart

necessary for the breath

I am taking

all I want

all I have ever wanted

is to be just as necessary

holding steadfast the heart

are you taken with me, yet?

Or am I too dark to see?

I want to remain bathed in gold

but nothing gold ever stays.

Posted in Poetry, This Is Me | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Changes in Mindset – On Writing

I read somewhere that once we start believing we have nothing left to improve upon, we are doomed to fail. As a writer, I have learned a few important skills that I apply to my writing as I learn and grow. Perhaps, these skills might help you too!

I have watched myself grow as a writer, and I am happy with my progress; however, there are always areas I can improve upon. I find myself researching and seeking professional writers’ advice often, and when I apply their advice to my work, I can see the difference it makes. Being open to constructive criticism is an important trait as a writer. Learning the difference between constructive criticism and unsolicited insults is another important lesson; however, it is a bit more painful.

It is impossible to please everyone!!!!

If one desires to write about a specific subject, they should be able to do so without fear of upsetting someone. Before I continue my thought, let me be very clear, I do not mean this is an acceptable excuse for racist comments or bullying; there are no excuses for such behavior! I am referring to specific topics some see as “taboo.” I.e., sex.

I pass no judgment on what other writers choose to write, but there is a big difference between romance and smut. I prefer the former. I enjoy writing the intimacy between the characters and their emotions tied to their lovemaking more than writing the actual act of lovemaking. Don’t get me wrong, writing sex scenes is hot and can be a lot of fun, but I don’t enjoy reading page after page about his “throbbing member” or her “perky nipples,” so it only makes sense that I don’t want to write that way either.

I have refrained from writing sex scenes at all, leaving the readers with their imagination of what happens when the bedroom door closes, but it’s unsatisfying. I’ve heard from my readers that it is unsatisfying. To be honest, I’m unsatisfied while writing it. The reason for writing the levity and chemistry between my characters is to make my readers fall for them. If I do my job correctly, my readers root for my characters to confess their love and then express that love through different forms of intimacy. Denying my readers the physical intimacy between my characters is not only cruel; it’s teasing. I enjoy teasing, and I might leave my readers hanging in suspense for a few chapters (evil laugh), but ending my book without that sweet release would make me a tease, and I’ve never wanted to be associated as one.

Here’s the thing, I enjoy writing romance, and I’m terrific at it; that is until I get to the sex scenes. My work either looks like I am submitting an article to Penthouse Forum or explaining the beautiful act of lovemaking to a teenager; there is no in-between. I need to hone my skills and practice these scenes. Yes, I don’t need to share all of them; however, I do want your feedback. I am open to constructive criticism, and I need to hear from my readers what parts are lacking, where I can turn up the heat, and as hard as it might be to hear, what content is cringe-worthy because I don’t want that in my novel. (Or my blog, for that matter. You guys deserve quality content.)

I can no longer refrain from writing sex scenes to appease those readers who have reached out and told me they don’t like them. I have heard your concerns and distaste, and I appreciate those of you who try to look out for me, but not writing sex scenes hinders my skills, and I cannot allow that to continue. Please know, my intentions are not to offend anyone. I am careful not to pass judgment or misinformation on subjects I don’t fully understand, which is why I immerse myself in so much research.

Since I’m looking inward, I have also discovered it is not just the fear of offending others with my writing but also making myself vulnerable. My writing is fictitious, but writing clearly and concisely about a subject means I understand what I am talking about, which makes me a little vulnerable. While my characters are not representations of who I am, my writing surely is.

I suppose I’m also a little nervous for the people who know me personally to read my work. I realize it might sound silly, coming from a 36-year-old woman, but do I really want my brother, aunts, uncles, and grandma to read this side of me? I imagine if I talked to them about it, they would probably tell me we’re all adults, we all enjoy sex, and writing about it between fictional characters is far different than writing about my personal experiences.

When I turn to the experts they all say the same thing. Read a lot, and write a lot.

Practice! Practice! Practice!

After doing a lot of reading and writing, which is pretty much my basic go-to’s to wind down anyway, here is what I am left with, the best romance novels I have read have sex scenes in them. These sex scenes are hot and steamy, but they do not mention vulgar words for private parts, and there is emotion tied to every action. There is heat in body language and unspoken words through eye contact. I find that romantic scenes are the perfect opportunity for me to write prose or poetic lines, and I really want to practice this. No, I NEED to practice this. The ability to compare the act of lovemaking to something as beautiful as a meteor shower is something I aspire to do. 

There is only one way I can achieve my goal, and that is by practicing! Not every fictional story I share on the blog will be filled with sex scenes, but you will start seeing more of them. I understand if you don’t like that and don’t want to read my work. I take no offense. You need to be true to who you are, just as I need to be true to who I am. I can only improve my writing skills by expanding and writing scenes that are out of my comfort zone. I am not ashamed to admit that there are areas of my writing that need improving, and I have no shame in asking for your feedback.

You, my lovely readers, will always hold a dear spot in my heart, and I am so thankful that I can turn to you in times of support and trust that you will tell me how I can become a better writer. When I do make it, and you pull my book off your bookshelf, you will know you had a hand in it because it was your feedback, advice, and support that moved me to accomplish this life-long dream.

I look forward to meeting all of you at my book signing! Haha.

Thank you in advance for your unwavering support, I would not be the woman or the writer I am today without you.

Love & life lessons,


Posted in Lessons, This Is Me | Tagged , , , , | 47 Comments

Spring is Coming

these dark and dusty
cutthroat mornings
are fading
as the sunlight filters
through the blinds
kissing my clavicle
i lower my blankets
reveling in the warmth
of nature’s furnace
upon my breasts
i smile a genuine smile
the songbirds sing
good morning
and i hum them a tune
can you feel it?
Spring is coming

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , | 20 Comments

Over and Under

After a long hiatus we are back with episode 7!! Neil and I were having a hard time coming up with topics to discuss. After a year of being stuck in the house together, doing the same damn things day in and day out, it’s hard to find interesting topics to discuss and share with the world.

In this week’s episode, we discuss overrated and underrated music. I have posted the links to the bands and songs we mention in the episode at the end of this post.

We hope you enjoy this episode, and we would greatly appreciate any feedback you have for us. We want to start engaging more with our listeners, but it’s hard to do if you remain silent. Let us know what you think and give us some topic ideas you would like to hear us discuss! If we use your ideas, we’ll give you a shoutout!

Thank you & happy listening!

Love & life lessons,


Here are the links to the bands and songs we mention:

Underrated Bands/Songs

  1. Black Crowes
  2. Presidents of the United States of America
  3. Casper Babypants –
  4. Charles Bradley
  5. Paolo Nutini
  6. Hero of the Day & Bleeding Me by Metallica
  7. Candlebox
  8. The Darkness
  9. Deep Purple
  10. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

Cover Songs

  1. Faith No More – Easy
  2. Corey Taylor – Wicked Game
  3. Charles Bradley – Changes
  4. Heart – Stairway to Heaven
  5. John Mayer – Free Fallin’
    – Call me the Breeze

Overrated Musicians

  1. Celine Dion
  2. Amy Winehouse
  3. Aerosmith
  4. Beyonce
  5. AC/DC
  6. The Beatles (Early Stuff)
Posted in Music Is Life, podcast | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

The Bleeding of Me

Imagine that you are thrown into a pool without knowing how to swim. The pool is full of obstacles that you must get through just to make it to the shallow end where you can finally breathe. This is how I feel, all of the time, lately. I have responsibilities, and sometimes those responsibilities become backed up because I have so much on my plate I struggle to get everything done. Then I’m left looking at what needs to be done, and I have difficulty relaxing. It’s a vicious cycle.

I suffer from seasonal depression; add to it that I haven’t left my house in over a year due to the pandemic, a health scare with my father (he is fine, by the way,) but I am going a bit stir crazy. I think that’s true for most of us. My father is getting older, and I’ve noticed little things that I need to keep a closer eye on, but he is thriving, living alone for the most part. I think he’ll be able to do so for a few more years. I’m looking into ways to make life a little easier for him, so he can still keep his independence.

Being a caregiver isn’t the easiest of tasks. I don’t mean to complain, I’d marry Neil all over again if I had the chance, but that doesn’t mean that life isn’t difficult or that it doesn’t get the best of me sometimes. Neil does what he can to help, but mostly everything falls on me. Now I’ve gone and added University student to the numerous hats I already wear, I believe I might be a glutton for punishment.

In addition to this funk I’m in and can’t seem to bring myself out of, I am disgusted by the racism in this world. How anyone can look at anyone else regardless of skin color, nationality, etc… and not see the human spirit inside that person is beyond me. I will never understand it, it will always make me angry, and due to that, sometimes I have to take a step back. It’s not that I won’t raise my voice and stand with anyone who is different than I am because I will always stand for what I believe in, but sometimes the anxiety isn’t worth it. For example, I got into it with a Trump supporter who posted a very racist comment on Facebook not too long ago. This particular woman commented about slavery reparations and how she should paint her skin black so she can receive the help from her country that she deserves. Well, let’s just say this didn’t sit well with me. She asked a simple question, “How is my comment racist when I’m just speaking the truth?” Being the naive soul I can be, at times, I honestly thought that maybe she truly didn’t understand how her comment was racist, so I decided to educate her. I even brought credible sources to back up my thoughts, and when I asked her where she got her information to support her counterpoints, she became angry. Instead of providing me with sources or admitting that she didn’t have credible sources to back her information, she decided to take the bullying route. Instead of answering my question, this 50-year-old woman responds by telling me that she doesn’t think I’m pretty because of the gray streak in my hair and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ugly.

Don’t mind the silly filter; it’s the most recent picture I have where you can really see all of the silver in my hair.

The old Kristian would have replied with some snarky comeback about how she is too stupid to back up her sources and too closed-minded to listen to any kind of reason or even want to be educated on subjects she doesn’t understand. Instead, I responded with the following gif:

Sometimes, the best answer is just to walk away, and I’m proud of myself for leaving it at this because any sane person who sees her post will realize she’s the one who came out looking like an idiot.

I am going through the motions, and I’m trying to pull myself out of my funk, and I’m trying not to let things outside of my control bother me so much. I am growing and learning and adapting new beliefs. I plan to write about this, and I hope to get back to blogging somewhat regularly again, but I tend to fall inward when I’m feeling depressed. I have a hard time reaching out to people, I want to write, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I have no energy, and I lack motivation, and I hate this feeling. I will snap out of it; it’s just taking a long time.

I am behind on most of your blog posts, but I do hope to catch up, or at the very least, start actively reading them again. I’ve just needed a bit of a break from everything, but now I find myself missing my creative writing. I have new ideas as well, but I’ll save those for another post.

Spring is almost here! In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling my feelings and bleed until I heal.

I hope all of you are well and I wish you the best week ahead!

Love and life lessons,


Posted in Personal, This Is Me | Tagged , , , , | 41 Comments

Wrapped Up in You

sometimes i sit at this window

and stare at this tree

and think of the life it might have known –

the nurturing of a man’s hands

who planted its seed

and cared for it.

its roots growing

and wrapping

and grasping

much like us –

who grow the same

from nourishment.

i think of the branches

that once held tire swings

and childrens laughter

i think of the couples

who sat beneath its shade

unsure if the heat

was from their passion

or the sun.

perhaps it is why

i am drawn to trees –

they’re mysterious.

ever changing

and letting go

and beginning again.

only to draw sustenance

from the rain and snow

and provide air

and shadows for children

and adults to play under.

all I know

is like this tree –

am i.

roots twisted

firmly grasped

and wrapped up in you.

Posted in Favorites, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , | 43 Comments