I Will Rise

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right now

at this very moment

the wolf inside

is trying to free herself

of me

to sink her teeth into flesh

but as she bares them, growling

she fades away to nothing

the dragon that lives in my chest

no longer has fire

she rejects me

far too tired

of being slayed

and the mare that lives in my core

is cowering

afraid of the race, tired of running

desperately wanting to be seen

for more than what she can give

but the phoenix

oh! the phoenix

has found me in the darkness

she has spread her wings and caught my fall

she reminds me of the legend—

all endings have beginnings

and she whispers

we will rise

just you wait


Posted in Personal, Poetry, This Is Me | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Wordless Wednesday 66 – Photo A Day, Week 33

Hello, beautiful souls,

I had all intentions of posting this on Wednesday, but I spent the majority of my day filing for unemployment. If you missed my last post, I was let go from my job of 6 years due to restructuring issues, or, so I was told. If you want my honest opinion, I believe what would have been my new boss is cold-hearted & manipulative. I’m not going to get into all of it on here, at least, not right now. If you would like to chat, my email is always open, and some of you know numerous ways to get a hold of me, I’ll talk your ear off about it. Haha! Anyway, I’m doing okay, mentally. I still feel hurt & betrayed, and I have my moments of breakdowns or where my mind just won’t shut off, but I’m a tough gal, I’ll get through this with my head held high, knowing full well that karma is a bitch. I just have to be patient.

So much for the Wordless part of “Wordless Wednesday,” haha! I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian


Day 226

Festive pedicure

Day 227

Matching manicure

Day 228

Forever in love with this view. Forever in love with sunsets.

Day 229

Crescent moon sunset

Day 230

Have I also mentioned how much I love pink clouds?

Day 231

I might have over done it on the bubbles. 😂😂

Day 232

After losing my job, my best friend from grade school sent me flowers to cheer me up! I love her so much! I truly am blessed with amazing friends. ❤

I also want to take this time to thank all of you! Some of you have reached out with words of encouragement, some of you have reached out sharing songs or clips from movies, and some of you have even gone as far as looking for jobs around my area, (and yours, for those who want me to move closer to you. 😉) I am blown away by the awesomeness of all of you! Keep them coming, please!! I love you all!

Kristian

Posted in Personal, Photography, Themes | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

I Lost My Job Today

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It’s funny sometimes how we can pick up on vibes when something is telling us, something is just not quite right. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea the devastation that was going to hit me.

It’s been 7 hours now and I’ve had some time to sit and think things through. I’m incredibly hurt and devastated, but I’m also extremely pissed off!!

I found out in May that my boss was resigning, I knew then that something just didn’t feel right, but good for her for bettering herself! And knowing what I do now, I’m glad she’s not there to be disrespected anymore.

About two weeks after that happened, the Vice President announced that my department was merging with the one next door. Well, that director already has a contract manager, which was what I was, so I asked what was going to happen to my position. I was told that they didn’t know but assured me that I was still going to have a job and receive a very substantial raise along with it. They also informed me that all of this would be taking place on July 1st. So then I got to thinking, maybe they decided on this merge a long time ago. Things were just moving way too quickly for all of these so-called, well-thought-out, yet, last-minute decisions.

In the past couple of weeks, I have been pulled into meetings, given tasks to share the reports that I do, how I submit those reports, and grant information with the other contract manager and the director. I was told that this was so they had a better understanding of what I do so they could better support me. Well, now I know it was so everything would be completed before they laid me off. They laid me off. I’ve been there for 6 years, yet, they kept someone who was only hired 5 months ago!!

The vice president called me down to the conference room at 4:00 this afternoon. He informed me that they had to let me go because, during the reconstruction of the two departments, there was no position for me. I was given promises that I would have a job and be getting a raise just to have that all taken away! I am so angry right now. I was blindsided. I am so incredibly hurt, and I feel foolish for ever thinking they respected me. The vice president just kept saying it wasn’t a performance issue and that he would gladly write me a letter of recommendation. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. He kept saying he wanted to be here to support me, he asked me to let him help me pack up my things and carry them to my car, but I wouldn’t let him. I was so short with him, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I put 6 years into that agency and I know I was in the process of looking for something better, but I was waiting until I could build a house, or go back to school, or move closer to family. Now I have no idea what direction I should take. I’ve been crying so much my eyes are swollen and burning. I am not in a good place mentally to make any kind of important decision right now.

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I do know that I deserve better than that. I deserve to work for a company that actually appreciates the hard work, dedication, and time I give them! I deserve a company that recognizes my worth and potential, and I am going to take this time to find it.

I am going to use this time to research different jobs that I think I will excel in. I am going to see how many college credits I am away from my degree, I am going to write the hell out of my book and show every single upper management employee why they should have never let me go.

I am keeping an open mind to the lesson that this bump in the road is going to teach me, because while I am feeling completely lost and utterly devastated, and much like a failure right now, I know that’s all this is, just a bump in the road.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

Posted in Lessons, Personal, This Is Me | Tagged , , , , , , | 43 Comments

The Political Episode

politics

Neil and I tried to avoid this topic, but every time we sat down to discuss anything, we kept reverting back to the events that are going on in our world.

As I mentioned, I have been struggling lately, and a part of the reason stems from the video of George Floyd. And before you start shouting other names at me, trust me, I have full knowledge of police brutality towards other black people. I am fully aware that there are many un-hashtagged names out there, but this isn’t about that. This is about a man who knelt on another man’s neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds!! Have you seen Dave Chappelle’s video of the same title? I will be dropping the link below, do yourself a favor and watch it!

I believe the video of what happened to George Floyd traumatized me. I have always been one to believe that EVERYONE has some good in them, somewhere. I mean, even Lucifer was once an angel. But it’s hard to find the good in a man who would kill another man while he is calling out to his dead mother, gasping that he can’t breathe. It’s hard to look in that man’s eyes and see him smile as he’s literally cutting off another man’s air supply, and see the good.

This episode touches on the Black Lives Matter movement, and why it’s insensitive to say “All Lives Matter.” Of course, all lives matter, but you are missing the point! All lives cannot matter until black lives do, and you cannot dispute the fact that black people have been seen as non-human, and it’s pathetic, and there’s no excuse. I don’t care about heritage, unlearn it! Ignorance is no longer an excuse, I cannot blame you for what you do not understand, but I can blame you for not educating yourself! There is nothing to be ashamed of. I will admit that I didn’t know what Junteenth was until this year, and I blame the system (as you will learn if you listen to the podcast,) because I should have been taught about that in school. Why wasn’t I? But again, I am an adult, it is my responsibility to learn what I don’t understand, and so I did, and I will continue to do so, so that I can stand with the minority. In the words of Billie Joe Armstrong “Don’t wanna be an American idiot.”

If you listen to the podcast, please let us know your thoughts. We promise the next episode will be much lighter!

You can also find us on Anchor and wherever you listen to your podcast’s. Our handle is Just Us For Y’All.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian


Posted in Personal, podcast | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Wordless Wednesday 65 – Photo A Day, Week 32

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Hi friends. I’m sorry this post is late. I realize it’s Friday, but I didn’t want to wait another week to post this.

I have been feeling down since May, I just can’t seem to bring myself out of this funk I’m currently in. I’ve been avoiding the news, immersing myself in nature and comedic movies, but nothing seems to be helping.

Anyway, I hope to get back to blogging on a regular basis again. I miss writing, but I find myself just staring at the laptop, unable to form the words. I can’t remember the last time I felt this low this long.

Hope you enjoy the pictures!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian


Day 219

In the words of my darling husband, he “George Baileyed” me. I’ve been feeling down for about a month now as I explained previously, so Neil reached out to some family members telling them I could use a pick-me-up. I received some snail mail with words of encouragement, poems, and of course, love! ❤

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Day 220

Finally tried Death Wish Coffee. It’s good, but VERY strong!

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Day 221

No description needed

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Day 222

BBQ day!! Yes, I made my own BBQ sauce.

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Day 223

I will forever become excited when the sky is in pretty colors!

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Day 224

My amazing cousin sent me this care package, along with a lovely card written about her understanding of my struggles. She knows my heart and she is just as compassionate, and I love her for it!! ❤

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Day 225

One of the best sunsets I’ve seen in a while. I could have stayed there for hours! if only the colors lasted that long. 

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I hope all of you are having/have had a fantabulous Friday!!

Posted in Personal, Photography, Themes | Tagged , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Wordless Wednesday 64 – Weeks 30 & 31

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Week 30

Day 205

I have an obsession

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Day 206

I made peanut butter brownie cheesecake. SO GOOD!!

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Day 207

I want to be as wild and free as these flowers

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Day 208

Another glorious sunset

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Day 209

“Sunday morning, rain is falling. Share some covers, show some skin.”

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Day 210

Mother Nature is so beautiful!

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Day 211

“Feelin’ hot, hot, hot!”

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Week 31

Day 212

All smiles because I’m about to see my bestie!!

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Day 213

I love the colors of these leaves!

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Day 214

I could spend every evening sunset gazing, oh who am I kidding? I pretty much do!

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Day 215

Pretty flower

day215

Day 216

I couldn’t not share this one

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Day 217

Another cemetery sunset walk

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Day 218

Because it’s been a rough three weeks in the news, I am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, I am struggling, and I am way too hard on myself and I deserve a cupcake, cupcake. 

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I hope you all have had or are having a wonderful Wednesday!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

Posted in Personal, Photography, Themes | Tagged , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

I Hope

hope

 

I hope adventure grabs you by the hand, and you invest both time and love into her.

I hope you genuinely fall in love with the journey and not just the dreams of getting there.

I hope you open your eyes to the things and people that illuminate the world around you.

I hope you take them by the hand and pull them close to you.

Every day—

every single waking day for the rest of your life, I hope you choose them.

The people and things that paint a smile across your face, and form storms of laughter in your stomach.

I hope you hold hands with your friends in public,

and tell them you love them in the most unique, and strangely beautiful ways.

I hope you send them random post-cards and trinkets along your journey.

I hope you find peace in a good book, good music, sunsets, compassion, intimacy, and kindness.

I hope you dine well, often. I hope you treat yourself to the finest cuisines.

I hope you find new ways to fall in love with yourself, and that you keep falling

Just like how I love you.

I feverishly hope you inspire others to do as much.

I hope you count your time in childhood minutes.

Swimming in eights, dancing in seconds.

I hope. Oh! how I hope, and please understand that I believe in you.

Just as I believe that I exist at this very moment, sitting on my sofa, writing you this letter of hope.

I hope you know I am always here. If you’ve had a bad week, I will sing you to sleep, and kiss your cheek, and assure you we will be alright.

And most importantly—

I hope that if one day someone with sad eyes pointed downward, and doubt written across their shoulders comes to you and asks, “What good is hope?”

I hope you will lift their chin, look them in the eye and say “Oh, hope, you see, blissful hope, has always got me through.”


For my friends, readers, and anyone I have ever said “I love you,” to. I hope you know those words are genuine when I say them. I wouldn’t say them if I didn’t mean them and I do not say them to everyone. I may not always reach out as often as I should, but please know that I think of you often, I care about you, and you are more important to me than you will ever know. I love you.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

 

 

Posted in Friendship, Love, Personal | Tagged , , , | 33 Comments

Where Is The Love?

Martin-Luther-King-

I sat on the couch sipping my white wine sangria as I watched the golden rays of the sun filter through the dark clouds, casting their light upon the tall pine trees that surround my property. In that moment of solitude I felt comforted, as if the sun’s light was shedding rays of hope through the state of darkness our country is currently in.

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I have always known that racism was a big issue in this country, but I guess I never truly grasped the seriousness of it until I saw that video of a Minneapolis police officer kneeling on George Floyd’s neck. I have been struggling with how to unpack these thoughts and emotions I have been feeling through all of this. I can’t believe this is the world we are living in, I can’t believe how much hatred and violence is stirring in the hearts of man and on the streets of our cities.

I will never truly understand because my skin affords me that luxury, but I want to educate myself and learn all that I possibly can about the struggles my black brothers and sisters face on a daily basis.

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My cousin, who is more like a sister to me, adopted a beautiful, black baby girl a couple of weeks ago. Her name is Ivy Rose and she is my niece. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child, and while I know she has entered into a loving home with two parents that have already shown and will continue to show her nothing but unconditional love, I want her to know she has an aunt she can turn to in any circumstance. An aunt that will make a point to show her the beauty in the world, an aunt that will never understand the judgement she will inevitably face, but will hold her hand and stand by her side at all times. And let me tell you something, if anyone is stupid enough to even try and mess with my niece, they will have to get through me. Unfortunately, this is directed towards some of my own family members. I might lose contact with a few of them, but that’s okay. I stood up for my cousin who read a passage from the Bible at my wedding. Certain people frowned upon it because she was a lesbian, but I was willing to cut ties then and I am now. I no longer care about who thinks what of me. It is my heart that I have to worry about and I would rather my cousin and niece know they can come to me with anything than worry about a few racist family members. There comes a point in all of our lives when we have to realize who is toxic, and as much as it might pain me to cut those ties due to fond childhood memories, I am no longer a child, and I refuse to surround myself with bigots or hearts full of hate.

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I will no longer be silenced, but I still choose to focus on the good. I am tired of having to explain why the Black Lives Matter movement does not mean that other lives do not matter, but I will keep explaining until my final breath. My black brothers and sisters deserve it. Ivy Rose deserves it.

I have been doing what I can in my little town. I have signed petitions, I have been researching and educating myself. When the world opens back up and it is safe to go exploring, I plan to visit historical places and learn more about black history. I want to learn all that I can, because as I mentioned, it takes a village, and I want my new niece to know she has family that takes an interest in her history and wants to help her learn where she came from. It will be her voice that will be heard, it is her generation that has the potential to change the world, and it is up to us to help guide them towards those goals.

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I have also been making more of an effort to spend quality time with people I love. I have been calling my dad every day or every other day rather than a couple of days a week. I have been spending more hours texting, talking, and sharing pictures with my brother.

I have been sending my nieces in California care packages and reaching out to them to let them know how proud I am of them and how much their auntie loves and misses them. It breaks my heart that I can’t hug them and annoy them with cuddles right now.

I have been spending more time with nature and less time with technology. I still have my phone on me a lot because I take a lot of pictures and I text or message my friends and loved ones throughout the day, but I have been spending much less time on Social Media.

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I am growing concerned at how quickly I become attached to the wildlife that visits me while I sit on my porch or on my sofa staring out my screen door. A robin made a nest on our porch and I grew attached to her baby. I was blessed enough to witness they baby fly from the nest, but I also kept a close eye on the baby bird, making sure it was okay. I cried last evening as I watched a bunny limp around my yard, one of its hind legs was broken, and I know this poor rabbit will most likely not make it. I’m tearing up right now. What is wrong with me?

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If only I looked that cute while I cried.

I encourage all of you to find ways that you can help. To educate yourselves and not be afraid to speak out against your racist friends and family members, and if they cut ties with you, get a hold of me. I will gladly adopt you into my family!

I also encourage you to make time for yourself. It is important to speak out and learn, but I know how overwhelming that can be too. It is important to make sure you take time for yourself. It’s not selfish to disconnect once in a while and spend time doing whatever brings you comfort. You are no help to anyone if you lose your sanity.

We’re in this together, friends. The only way we can drive out hate is with love. Let’s band together and kill them with love and kindness!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

Posted in Lessons, Personal | Tagged , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Wordless Wednesday 63 – Photo A Day, Week 29

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Day 198

A silver lining to having insomnia is being awake to see the sunrise!

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Day 199

Sunset Walks are my favorite!

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Day 200

The storm coming in

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Day 201

Blackberry, lime gin cocktail! Yum, yum!

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Day 203

I love this tree

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Day 203

I love this tree too

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Day 204

It’s all about timing

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Wishing all of you a fantabulous Wednesday!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

Posted in Photography, Themes | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

And The Survey Says?

just-us

In this episode of Just Us For Y’all, I ask a series of questions in which Neil and I take turns answering. It is our hope that these questions will spark conversations with you & your loved ones, maybe you’ll ask your spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, or friend some of these questions to get to know them better.

We hope that you will enjoy listening and getting to know the people behind the podcast, and for those of you who already know us, maybe you’ll learn something new.

We really hope you enjoy this week’s episode. If you have any questions you would like us to answer, or any comments or suggestions for future topics, please leave them in the comments. We would love to hear from you!

You can listen to us on Anchor, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Our handle is “Just Us for Y’all.”

As always, thank you for reading and listening!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

 

Posted in Personal, podcast | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments