Some of you may have seen my posts with the #AlwaysKeepFighting (AFK). As many of you know my passion is to help people. I want to help those of you who struggle with mental illnesses, physical disabilities, or anyone who just wants someone to talk to, someone to be their cheerleader! That’s one of the main reasons I started blogging! So anyway, back to AKF… This charity was started by Jared Padalecki (Sam Winchester on the show Supernatural) back in March, 2015. His friend committed suicide on New Year’s Day of that year, and that was the second friend he lost due to suicide. Padalecki himself has struggled with depression and anxiety, so he wanted to reach out to people, to encourage them to seek the help that they need, and to not be ashamed of their suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, or struggles in general. He wanted a way to show people that their life was worth fighting for, so he had shirts made with the saying Always Keep Fighting and the proceeds went to those with mental health illnesses. He and Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester on the show Supernatural) are now both on board with this Charity and are doing some really great things! As if I needed yet another reason to fan girl over Jensen! HA! They have tied it in with Misha Collins’ (Cas on Supernatural) charity Random Acts of Kindness. If you want to read more information, would like to make a donation, or purchase a shirt check out this website:http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Always_Keep_Fighting
I’m a big advocate for both of these charities, and I deeply admire Jensen Ackles for finding a way to tie both AFK & Random Acts together! I encourage people to share their stories with others, to seek help and not be afraid to admit that they need help, and to offer my support however I can!
With all of this being said I feel a little hypocritical because I have not yet shared my story. Only a handful of people know, and my story began over 9 years ago. I have just recently seen a number of brave men and women sharing their stories. They are taking a stand against domestic violence, refusing to be silent, and asking for help as they struggle with a number of illnesses! I very much admire their bravery.
Before I share my story with you I want to apologize to my family and friends that do not know my story. Please try to understand that it isn’t easy for me to talk about and that the reason that some of you don’t know is because I was genuinely concerned that you would hunt the guy down. He’s not worth the jail time. After reading my story if you feel the need to contact me please do so. I will do my best to tell you whatever it is you want or need to hear. If you are someone who is in a similar situation and want help or need to talk to somebody, I will do whatever I can to support you.
*Warnings: Trigger Warnings, mention of rape, mention of violence, and lots of emotions.
It was June 3rd, 2007. I went camping with my boyfriend at the time I will refer to him as S. Now I knew S was bad news before I got involved with him, but he showed me the coins he received from rehab. He also gave me this long speech about wanting to get his life together, and wanting to be a better person. The scum bag even stooped so low to use my faith against me, telling me that a good church going girl was just what he needed to help him. He even quoted scriptures to me, and would grab my hands and ask me to pray with him whenever he felt like he was struggling with his addiction. Me, being the caring person whose passion is to help people, saw S as a little lost puppy dog that I could fix, Boy; was I ever wrong!!! Like I said I knew he was trouble, yet I opened myself up to him, I let him in, and I trusted him….Shame on me!
S and I had a fight and I hadn’t spoke to him in a week. He called me in the morning of June 3rd and asked if I would go with him to his cousins graduation party. He told me that his cousin really wanted him there and that he wanted me to meet his family. He once again turned on the charm that is classic S and won me over. He told me that we would be camping because his family lived next to the woods and there were lots of trails. I agreed to go along with him. When we got there I met S’s aunts, uncles, and cousins. Everyone seemed very nice and we were all laughing and joking, and I listened to stories about S when he was a little boy. S reached over and grabbed my hand, he walked me to a path behind his aunts house, through the woods that led to a beautiful clearing where there was a blanket sat up with a bottle of wine. He poured us each a glass and asked me to sit. He apologized for being a jerk and he told me that he wouldn’t answer my phone calls or talk to me because he wanted me to have a better life than he could give me. That he loved me so much and he wanted me to happy even if it wasn’t with him. We watched the sunset and he kissed my very gently, as if I was a delicate flower that might break. We walked back to the party and I decided to change into sweat pants and a hoodie because even though it was June, the nights were still very chilly. As I was changing in the bathroom of his aunts house I heard a baby cry. I walked into the living room and there was a baby lying on the couch, bawling, and left all alone. I picked the baby up and tried to find who he belonged to. S’s aunt pointed to the parents and just shook her head. They were drunk, dancing around the fire, completely ignoring the fact that they had a kid. I became so angry, how could you just leave your child alone? I should have realized that something wasn’t right, that I was the only one who seemed to have any concern at all for this baby. I tried to find S, but he was no where in site, so I sat on the couch rocking the baby back and forth until he finally fell asleep. Finally a girl around my age came in and said she would stay with the baby because she was bored of the party and wanted to watch TV. She was sober and seemed like a decent enough human being, so I left the baby with her. I asked S’s aunt who she was, just to be safe, and she assured me that the girl was reliable. If I had known what I know now I would have taken the baby to social services and left without ever thinking about S and his family again. Instead, I went outside to find S. He was completely intoxicated, which I had never seen him in this state because he had been going to rehab., or so I thought. He grabbed me very roughly and asked me where I had been. I told him that I had been taking care of a baby whose parents were too drunk to do so. He scoffed at me and accused me of trying to seduce another man inside of his aunts house. Now, I may not be a master when it comes to the art of seduction, but I’m pretty sure if I wanted to seduce someone I wouldn’t do it in sweatpants and a hoodie. Those were the wrong words to say to S. He backhanded me and called me a smart ass. He instantly apologized and tried to hug me. I pulled out of his embrace and told him I was leaving. He grabbed my wrist and as much as I tried to get away from him, I couldn’t. He lifted me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me into an RV that his cousins had brought with them. There were people in the RV. They sat on the other side of the wall where the bed was and listened as S threw me down. They listened to me beg for S to calm down as he screamed at me for making him feel like a fool in front of his family. He called me every kind of degrading name under the book, and then when I didn’t think things could get any worse, the people in the RV remained silent and listened as S raped me. I begged for him to stop, I tried so hard to push him off of me, I screamed and begged for help, but no one came to my rescue. When S was finally finished taking what wasn’t his, he ran out of the RV and passed out in a chair by the fire. I stood up, brushed myself off, and went over to the people who were still sitting on the other side of the wall. I glared at them and called them cowards. I walked over to S kicked him in the side as hard as I could. I didn’t even bother to look back to see if he woke up. I walked to my car and I drove away.
I should have pressed charges. I should have turned the parents of that baby in to social services. I should have done a lot of things, but instead I drove around until morning before I went home. I buried this secret deep inside of me and I didn’t tell anyone for 6 months. It took 9 years for me to be able to type this out , and writing is my therapy!
After that night S would stalk me. I switched jobs, moved back in with my parents, but none of that mattered. He still found me. He would stand outside of the office I worked at. He would text me and tell me that I looked sexy in whatever color scrubs I was wearing. He showed up at my parents house one evening when they weren’t home and he told me that he would never rape anyone else because he got off on my cries, and that he never wanted the terrified look on my face to be replaced with anyone else. I hope he wasn’t lying, because as much as it makes me sick to know he thinks of me that way, I don’t want anyone else to go through the same thing I did.
About a year after the incident at my parents house, I saw S in the store. He walked up to me and told me that he was sorry. That he was seeking help and promised that it would never happen again. He tried to grab my shoulder, but I swatted his hand away. I screamed at him. People were looking but I didn’t care. I told him that just the sight of him made me feel physically ill. That I didn’t care if he was trying to seek help, I wanted nothing more to do with him. I called him a coward and told him that I never wanted to see him again. He had tears in his eyes and he stood there staring at me. I walked away and he grabbed my wrist, that feeling, his fingers wrapped around my wrist, pulling me unleashed something inside of me. Memories came flooding back. He told me that he took me once, he could do it again. I was so tired of being scared of him. I became so angry at him, at myself, at the world. I told him if he touched me again I wouldn’t think twice about calling the police and turning him in. I wouldn’t think twice about screaming as loud as I could in the crowded store, that we weren’t surrounded by his psycho family, and someone there would help me. He let go of me instantly. I have seen him a few times since then, but now that I am married he doesn’t try anything. I think he knows Neil would kill him.
Please, if you are in a domestic violence situation, seek help. Being quiet lets these dirt bags win, and I no longer want to be silent. Let’s let our voices be heard! Let’s take a stand against this abuse, and against those who believe that if we were raped we must have done something to ask for it. It’s time to stop blaming the victim!!