Throwback Thursday #11

I thought I’d dig a little further back for this week’s poem. I forget how good some of those poems are because I feel like I have grown as a writer. However, I want to share the poems that still hold up.

I posted “everything remains the same” in 2020, but I wrote it in 2018. It was three years after a betrayal from someone I thought would never hurt me, and I was deep in my feelings. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, always second best, and like I wasn’t important.

It seems these feelings still wax and wane at times. Perhaps they always will.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

everything remains the same

i lift my skirt

up to my knees

walk through the field of sunflowers

barefoot and laughing

---

you see i’ve learned

to count my blessings –

to stop and smell the flowers

and feel the sun shine upon my face

still, it’s hard

not to dwell on all my heartaches

---

i walk on through this field

through the grass

grown brown and still

not comprehending why

it’s so damn hard

to let go of my pain

---

and past these flowers

sits an old ford truck

broken, rusted, and

sinking into this field

collecting drops of rain

---

and it’s hard not to

feel empathy for this

broken piece of metal

but still, I see the beauty

that remains

---

and looking back

on all these crimson sunsets

in these foggy

cut-throat mornings

i have grown weary

---

and if i spoke these words

from the dark and cobwebbed

corners of my mind

if i let them slip passed

my dried and cracked lips

would anyone even hear me?

---

if you were here

i’d let my blouse fall to the floor

and the braids fall from my hair

then i’d kiss you

with my quivering mouth

so plain

---

outside the rain

would beat upon our

metal roof

and the thunder

would applaud

the love we make

---

they say god doesn’t give us

more than we can carry

well, I don’t know that I believe in god

but I do believe in love

for it is the only thing

that has kept me sane

---

there’s something you must understand

i have looked my demons in the eyes

laid bare-breasted on the floor

and told them to do their best

to destroy me

---

and i’ve been to hell

and back

so many times

i must admit

this simple life

sometimes seems boring

---

there are a lot of things

that can kill a person

there are a lot of ways to die

but yet these heavily burdened ghosts

still walk beside me

---

and there are a lot of things

i don’t understand

how so much hatred

can fill the heart of a man

but it’s this pain i hide

that fuels the love

inside me

---

will i always feel this way –

not good enough to save anyone

and time keeps changing

but everything continues

to remain the same

A few friends have asked me what song describes me best, and this is the first song that always comes to mind. I feel like John Mayer saw right through me and wrote the words inked upon my soul.

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