Throwback Thursday #8

When I was thirteen, I had a vision board, and I was confident everything would come true. I was going to marry Nick Carter, have two kids (A boy, Wyatt, and a girl, Katarina), a husky named Howard (I was obsessed with Howard the Duck), live in a huge bungalow, and since I was going to marry a millionaire, I could volunteer my time at children’s hospitals, animal shelters, and simply talk to veterans. At a very early age, I learned that most vets have fascinating stories, and they always had a way of tugging on my heartstrings.

Looking back, I wish I had the confidence of that thirteen-year-old girl who was convinced she would grow up and marry her favorite Backstreet Boy. It’s not that I lack confidence now, but I wish I had never lost it. I’m also not deluded enough to believe a celebrity would fall in love with me. Haha!

Anyway, my point of all this brings me to today’s Throwback Thursday poem. I wrote this poem two years ago when I finally made peace with the fact I will never be a mother.

I don’t want to go into all the details, but looking back now, it was a blessing in disguise. I don’t think I could have handled all the stressors in my life and children on top of them. I would have lost my mind. Plus, I don’t think I want to bring children into this cruel, violent, and insane world we live in.

It’s still hard sometimes, especially during the holidays. Children have a way of making the holidays more magical. My dad tells me some of his favorite moments were watching mine and my brother’s eyes light up when we would wake up Christmas morning and see all the gifts Santa brought. It breaks my heart that I will never know that feeling.

Anyway, as always, I wrote down my feelings because I find it cathartic, and I wrote one of the most beautiful pieces of poetry I have ever written (If I do say so myself). I hope you find something in it you can relate to. Whether it involves a child or not, we all understand grief and pain.

As always, thank you for reading!

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On the Eve of Turning 36

I used to not like the silver streak in my hair, but it has grown on me. (Literally and figuratively)!

I have been thinking of you –

the seed I never sowed

the bun I never baked.

---

I feel it –

the eleventh month

of my body

and the calendar.

---

Tomorrow will be my birthday.

---

My spring is gone

and although it is November,

summer is upon me –

rude in its ripening

---

November harvests the womb –

with its incessant ticking

of my youth.

Tick – I’m still here

Tock – But I’m fading away.

---

I see it when I touch the silver curls.

---

I would have loved you, you know?

The seed I never sowed.

The bun I never baked.

---

And I think of the women before me –

how they loved.

---

What am I supposed to do with all of this love?

reserved for a bun that will never rise?

a seed that never stood the chance of being sowed

in the earth?

---

What would they say?

The Virgos

with their impending wisdom?

---

I think I know –

especially the first Virgo,

a little rougher than the second.

---

“Scorpio!” They would say.

“Dancing temptress and venomous blood flow through you.”

“But unlike the scorpion, who eats her mate –

You –

bake and love,

and cook and love,

and sing and love,

and write and love,

and give your heart

to all that has meaning.”

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So while November harvests,

and summer so rudely ripens,

and the scorpion eats her mate,

and the womb keeps incessantly ticking –

---

I will not fear tomorrow

or the ticking of the empty womb.

For it is not baking a bun

nor sowing a seed

that makes me a woman.

---

And I have so much love left to give

and many more miles to keep giving –

---

and baking

and cooking

and singing

and writing

---

and loving

and loving

and loving

and loving.

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While we are on the topic of birthdays, today marks the 247th birthday of the United States Marine Corps. I had hoped I had a video of me playing The Marines Hymn on my clarinet, but I could not find it. I have played it so many times that I have it memorized, but I found a better video to leave you with. After all, it was the Marines who fought “from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.” So, who better to play the Hymn than the Marine Corps band?

Marine Corps War Memorial (also called the Iwo Jima Memorial)

Happy Birthday, USMC!! Thank you, all Marines, for your service, but extra thanks and love sent to the Marine in my life! ❤

Love & life lessons,

Kristian