Smaller

I often find myself
longing
for something
but mostly
to feel smaller
I want to feel smaller
I want to slip
between the spaces
of your fingers
I want to put my head
in your lap
and for you to swallow
the entire drowning
of me
I want to see myself
through different lenses
the way others see me
or better yet
I want to see myself
the way I see the world
perfectly imperfect
and oh so easy to love
I want to know if my sorrow
is as vast as I imagine
it might as well be
an ocean
An ocean you don’t mistake
as a bed to drown in
An ocean you fall into
and decades later return
a mermaid
I don’t want to take the short way home
I want baseball on the radio
I want to pause on a bench
by the river
and listen to the game
and watch the sunset
there is no need for talking
I miss the simplicity
of childhood
and all the things
I did not know
I miss my father’s stories
of Falling Rock
on the long journey to Grandma’s house
I miss my mother’s eyes
peering over a Stephen King novel
to watch me dance
I even miss the opportunities
that were never bestowed upon me
like sitting in Camden Yards
and telling Cal Ripken Jr.
that I loved him
I miss the way everything was
before what has happened
happened
Grief has a way of softening
the sharpest of blades
strange how that works
just like the strongest of rocks
can’t escape the erosion
from the soft waters
At this very moment
everything is as it is
before what will happen
happens
So turn on the game
take the long way home
pause
to watch a sunset
For surely
even the sun must miss
all it has shined upon
once it has shined upon it