You’ve Got That Nostalgic Feeling

Some songs and movies from our past do not have the most outstanding quality or originality, but they give us that sense of familiarness, a reminder of a simpler time. (I sound so old.) So, just because they might be a little tacky or even poorly done in some cases doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them.

 You know that feeling you get when you’ve spent some quality time with a loved one after you haven’t seen them for a while, and after spending time with them, no matter the length, you feel lighter, a bit more carefree?

It’s safe.

It’s comfortable.

Certain movies and songs feel like reconnecting with a good friend.

 I go the most extended amount of time without seeing my brother because of distance (and time), but I cherish every moment I get to spend with him because they always become part of my favorite memories.  

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There are far too many songs and movies that bring that sense of nostalgia to list all in one post. So, I have decided to write about them whenever I feel nostalgic.

This morning, I was dancing alone in my living room. I enjoy dancing to exercise and to clear the cobwebs from my mind. I can get lost in the music and escape the world for a while. It’s a nice feeling, and I’m burning calories, so, yay!

While getting lost in the music, Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) by The Backstreet Boys was next in rotation. I remembered the choreography from the music video as if I had practiced it yesterday, and I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face as I reverted to thirteen-year-old Kristian, dancing in her best friend’s living room. My eyes were glued to the television as I danced along, tripping over the one raised floorboard I failed to remember.

We practiced every weekend…

I had a mad crush on Nick Carter, and I remember the excitement that rushed through me when I heard him sing ‘Am I Sexual?’ I didn’t know why. I just knew I felt warm and lovely and awkwardly giddy.

A particular situation has brought to light gratitude for my innocence. I had a childhood. I didn’t give into adult temptations early in life, and I’m happy with myself for that.

Please don’t misread my intentions. I’m not judging those of you who have or the person who is the cause of this newfound gratitude. I won’t talk about that situation because I don’t need to for you to understand my point, and it’s not my story to tell.

I would spend entire weekends with my best friend C. She and I are no longer friends, and she’ll probably never read this, but a part of me will always care for her because she gave me some of my best memories, and I hope she knows that.

Our falling out happened at a shallow point in my life. I fell into a deep depression after realizing I held onto some self-guilt after the incident with my rapist. I still struggle with this from time to time, but I’m working on it.

To quote Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

I did some stupid things, and I realize now that I battled with self-doubt for a long time. I was insecure, and I allowed a lot of other’s opinions to affect me negatively.

I’m not proud of many of the decisions I made during that time in my life, but I’m no longer beating myself up for them.

I was angry, and I took it out on people who loved me, and I broke people’s trust. I understand I am still accountable for those actions.

If someone from my past is reading this by chance, I am genuinely sorry for hurting you. I don’t blame you for leaving, and I’m not asking for your forgiveness because that’s your decision, but I do forgive myself.

I am no longer that person, and we have grown in different directions. We don’t even know each other anymore.

Wherever C is, I hope she’s happy.

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This low point in my life made me grateful for the people who stood by me through my anger, guilt, and depression.

* I’m trying hard not to cry right now. * Sorry, Yoda.

I realize how much these people love me. I realize how lucky I am to have them, and I will never again take them for granted. They know who they are.

And to the friends and family I have met after the tragedy, I will never take you for granted either because I know what it’s like to feel as though you’re not good enough, and I would never want to hurt anyone.

Plus, I no longer care what people think and geek out on all the things that bring me joy, and anyone who joins in my excitement of fandoms must be pretty cool!

Thanks for the memories C, Backstreet Boys (What’s up, Nick Carter?), and the 1990’s!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian