The Nothing Fight, Part Two

Hello, beautiful souls,

If you are unfamiliar with “The Nothing Fight,” I highly recommend you check out Part One before reading this post.

The Nothing Fight, Part One

Since the start of the pandemic, I have been utilizing the Walmart pickup app. I’m not too fond of grocery shopping with large groups of people because I live in a small town and will inevitably run into someone I know, and I don’t want to spend any more time in the store than necessary, especially at Walmart.

Recently, however, I stopped at some of the quaint local stores around town to purchase some gifts for my penpals. I needed just a few more items that those stores failed to carry, so I made the trek up to Walmart. While I was there, I decided to grab the ingredients for my infamous macaroni salad because I had been craving it (I found a way to make it healthier, too, which I’m thrilled about!)

 One of the ingredients in the macaroni salad is sharp cheddar, and if you know me, you know I take my cheese very seriously. My favorite is Cabot Vermont Seriously Sharp, so I made my way over to the dairy section, and that’s when I heard it…

“The Nothing Fight!”

The wife was a small, petite woman, and she was older, but not elderly, I’m guessing early to mid-’60s. Her husband, on the other hand, was a giant. He had to have been at least 6’3″ and slightly overweight yet toned. When she yelled at him, it looked like Tinkerbell was giving attitude to the Hulk.

“For the love of… ” Tinkerbell trailed off, “It’s just cheese, grab the Kraft.”

The Hulk, (who looked as though TInkerbell just informed him Thor is the greatest Avenger,) glared at his wife, and in a low growl replied, “How. Dare. You.”

 Tinkerbell egged him on by placing her hands on her hips and saying, “Just grab the Kraft!“

“Just grab the Kraft!?” The Hulk shrieked.. By this point, I had tears stinging my eyes from holding back laughter, a trait I’ve never been great at mastering, which explains the multiple coughs I had to fake to cover up the sudden outbursts; I could never make it on SNL, I’d pull a 1999 Jimmy Fallon and ruin every sketch!

The Hulk pulled at his hair and turned back to the cheese, where the section on the shelf reserved for Cabot was empty…

Save for one that The Hulk overlooked but caught my eye.

 “I can’t just get the Kraft, Honey,” he said in the most unloving way as if the term ‘Honey’ was a synonym for ‘Bitch.’ 

“Kraft is shit, and Cabot is a gift from the cheese gods!” (Okay, so I may have made this part up, but The Hulk was very passionate about Cabot cheese.)

I reached behind the Hulk, inconspicuously picking up the last pack of Cabot cheese…

“I understand about the Cabot; I can’t do Kraft either,” I interjected.

“See!? See!?” The Hulk asked in a way to prove he’s not insane.

Tinkerbell shot me the stink eye, and I held my hands up in surrender. “Sorry,” I whispered while returning to my cart, happily walking away with the last package of Cabot. At the same time, The Hulk continued to lecture Tinkerbell on how Cabot is the king of the cheese, and Kraft is an insult to cheeses everywhere.

I mean, no offense to Kraft cheese eaters. Would you please not flood my inbox with hate mail?

And, if you run into The Hulk, please don’t tell him that I took the last Cabot Seriously Sharp cheddar. 

Love & life lessons,

Kristian