My Eyes Are Up Here

Hello beautiful souls!

I have been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and frequently, these thoughts lead to awkward and embarrassing thoughts. These awkward memories got me thinking about satire and how comedians often take awkward and embarrassing moments and find the humor in them. These thoughts continued to snowball until I came up with this idea for a blog post. This is how my brain works, and so it seems my entire life, like all of my kitchen appliances deciding to stop working, one right after the other in two months’ time!

Have you ever noticed how there are certain things no one ever tells you about becoming an adult? For example, I bet no one ever told you, you would have a favorite stove burner. Admit it; you do, don’t you? Mine’s the front right. Anyway, I digress. Why the hell didn’t any of the women in my family tell me how awkward visiting the gynecologist is!? The only stories I heard were horror stories about some medieval torcher device that spreads your vagina like it’s some kind of “Stretch Armstrong.”

I was in my early twenties the first time I went to the gynecologist. I wanted my mom to go with me, but she was sick and wasn’t able to. It was the start of her decline in health. Anyway, I thought about asking my friend, Amanda, to accompany me, and even though it was more than likely a weekday, I know she would have found a way to be there for me if I had, in fact, asked her. But I was a big girl. I could do this!

I walked in, legs freshly shaved, makeup, and hair on point just in case he was handsome. He turned out to be a woman, and that calmed my nerves just a little.

“Take off all of your clothes.” She demanded as soon as I closed the door behind me.

“All of them?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m going to fondle your breasts while I talk to you nonchalantly to make the situation as awkward as possible,” is not what she said, but I am taking advantage of the opportunity to apply foreshadowing.

She left me alone in the room and instructed me once again to remove all of my clothes, place a thin napkin over my lap and lie back and get comfortable.

Yeah, like I could relax while my hoo-ha was on display in front of this gorgeous woman who looked like she just walked out of a Vanity Fair Magazine. Thank goodness I shaved my legs! I’m not one to compare myself to other women, but she was intimidatingly beautiful. 

She entered the room and could tell I was anxious, so she placed a gloved hand on my shoulder and tried to calm my nerves. She moved her hands down to my breasts and started to feel for lumps.

“Any plans for the upcoming holiday?” She asked as if fondling another woman’s breasts within minutes of meeting them was completely normal. Although, for her, I suppose it was.

Once she was satisfied with the state of my twins, she headed down south. For the record, no medieval torcher devices were used during my appointment.

“Oh my god!” Is not the words a lady wants to hear when someone places their face right near her cachucha, but it’s what I got.

Followed by, “Your toenails are so cute!”

I released a huge sigh of relief. “Thanks.”

She yelled for the nurse to come check out my toenails that had been painted like the American flag in honor of Independence Day.

Meanwhile, I’m laying there, spread eagle, exposed to the world, save for the thin napkin across my lap. I just wanted to get back to the task at hand!!

When they were finally done, I felt somewhat violated! I was poked, prodded, and scraped. I definitely deserved a London fog after that visit!

About a week later I received a call about my results. They weren’t good. I heard the three dreaded words no one wants to hear:

“You have cancer.”

I was standing in the parking lot of the job I worked for, luckily everyone had already left, and I fell to my knees and cried. I was so scared!

After a few consultations, I finally met with the surgeon. He was handsome. Incredibly handsome. Where did the hospital find these supermodel physicians? I was embarrassed at the thought of him seeing my naughty bits but kept reminding myself that he was a professional.

He informed me that I did not have cancer. I was furious! Don’t get me wrong. I was thrilled I didn’t actually have cancer, but I was pissed that my gynecologist put me through that, and I have now switched doctors.

I did have a disorder known as dysplasia, which basically means I had an abnormal amount of cancer cells in my cervix that caused damage to my cervical walls, potentially turning to cancer. I needed to have part of my cervix removed with a procedure called a LEEP. Besides having my wisdom teeth removed, it was the first surgery I had ever had, and once again, I was petrified.

The surgery was a success and fortunately, I didn’t have any complications.

This brings me to the next awkward moment…

I once again found myself spread eagle with a bright light shined on my nether region for the follow-up appointment.

“How’s your father?” The surgeon asked as he was digging his way to China.

I stared at the ceiling, unable to look him in the eye while he spoke into my vagina. “Fine thanks, how’s yours?” I responded, in my awkward state, not thinking about what I was actually saying. I cringed as the words left my mouth.

I made the mistake of glancing at him, and he arched a confused eyebrow at me. “I meant with your dads cancer.”

“Oh, right.” I nervously chuckled.

For the first time in my life, I was grateful for small talk. That was until…

“You have a pretty cervix.”

“Umm….. thank you?”

He laughed. “I’m sure that’s not something you hear every day.” He replied.

“Or ever.” I retorted.

Pretty?! My cervix is pretty? This still baffles me. How is it pretty? Is it sparkly? Does it glow?

Such a pretty cervix!

He continued to talk into me, and I laid there wishing he would wait until he could look me in the eye, but alas, I continued talking about how pleasant the weather had been and anything that took my mind off of the uncomfortable situation I was in.

Now, this surgeon follows me on Instagram since we both share a love of sky and nature photography. I’m just grateful he hasn’t posted any pictures of pretty cervixes.

Do you have any awkward stories you can look back on and laugh about?

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

This entry was posted in Laugh Out Loud, Personal and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to My Eyes Are Up Here

  1. Oh my god, I cannot get over the “pretty cervix” bit, lol No embarrassing stories yet though, lol. There was the one time I was told that I had HPV, that was scary! But it went away on it’s own. Which was good! It did make me feel more comfortable enough though. If I hadn’t of gone, I probably would have never have known I had it. So now I just remind myself, this could potentially save my life!
    My mum did tell me they were uncomfortable, but you never know about these things until you get there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Brad Osborne says:

    I have had a million awkward moments in my life, but I could never express them in such a humorous and entertaining way as you have here. And my favorite burner on the stove is front left!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sadje says:

    I can just imagine how awkward it must have been for you. The best thing any having a sense of humor is that one can laugh about these things later.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jonicaggiano says:

    Sorry about the scare and great choice moving on to another doctor. You were hilariously funny by the way. I am sorry you didn’t have anyone to talk to about this awkward stuff. I did get such a kick out of your wild and funny experience. It gets better the more you go. It is awkward. I always look for unattractive Doctors whenever I have to go.
    I went to have a colonoscopy once and the doctor performing it was extremely attractive, I rarely turn my head to look at a man it just seems rude but this guy was something special. After it was over and coming to in the OR I say his face and still being loopy said, “If I would have known how handsome you were I would have never let you look at my ass hole. Boy was I embarrassed then.
    Have a great weekend. Hugs 🤗 Joni

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you, Joni! Yes, the cancer scare was not fun, but it all worked out in the end. I have been to numerous appointments since then. It’s always awkward to lie spread eagle in front of strangers. It’s also odd how a less attractive doctor makes it slightly less awkward. I’m glad this post made you laugh!

      Oh, Joni! 🤣 I’ve said embarrassing stuff before too. At least you could blame it on the Twilight anesthesia! 😂 I hope your weekend is wonderful!! Hugs back! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      • jonicaggiano says:

        Thank you for taking time to respond. I got such a kick out of your post. I could see the whole scene playing out in my head. You have an amazing sense of humor. So nice to meet you here. ❤️🤗 love ❤️ Joni

        Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        Thank you! I was born into a family of comedians and great cooks! Luckily, I got both of those traits! I love making others laugh and cooking for them. It’s been a pleasure to meet you too! I’ve fallen behind in my blog reading, but I have yours bookmarked so I can catch up soon! ❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • jonicaggiano says:

        I was just talking about how hilarious your post was as I was, of course, not the one with her legs spread apart.
        I love new dishes too. Have a great weekend.
        ❤️🤗😘💕🦋 love Joni

        Liked by 1 person

    • No Os says:

      Being the accident prone doofus that I am I once ended up in hospital with damage to my groinular (I think I just invented a word) region. As it turned out, I’d done such a good job at accidenting that, after much prodding, x-raying, and sonargramming, the panel of experts decided my testicles could not be saved. Enter, the surgeon.
      She was as gorgeous as she was efficient; no bedside manner, just and explanation of what a bilateral orchiectomy is (“it’s a medical term for castration”, “don’t worry, it’s a simple op”, and “in the US, there about half a million men who’ve had it”). And that was that.
      Anyhoo. After surgery and waking up sans testes, the final ignomy was having a nurse and nursing student inspect the dressing around my now empty sack.
      Oh, and to put a cherry on top, the student nurse recognised me at a bar a few weeks later. Oy vey!

      Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        I’m pretty sure I’ve used the word “groinular,” 🤣 Sorry to hear about your boys.

        Running into the student nurse at a bar must have been awkward. 😬

        After my surgery, I woke up to a lady I graduated with cleaning my nether region. She greeted me, a little too excitedly for my liking! 🤣

        Like

  5. Nova says:

    🤣😅🤣😂 For the love of all things awkward, he follows you on IG??????? Lordt!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ashleyleia says:

    I used to go to a family practice clinic affiliated with the local medical school, and I would get seen by whatever residents happened to be rotating through. On one occasion, I was there for a pap, and not only was there a resident, there was also a med student. But the resident couldn’t find my cervix; I guess it wasn’t pretty enough to jump out at her. After a while of the two of them staring at my hoo-ha, the resident sent the student to go find an attending, so then there were three of them hunting for my cervix. No one commented on it being pretty, though. They at least owed me that much.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The V Pub says:

    I never realized it until I read this. I DO have a favorite stove burner! Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. aguycalledbloke says:

    This was sooo funny, reminds me of a conversation l had many years ago with an umbrella during an aids examination – well l didn’t have aids, but there was an umbrella… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Dear Blog – 19/09/21 – A Guy Called Bloke

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