Changes in Mindset – On Writing

I read somewhere that once we start believing we have nothing left to improve upon, we are doomed to fail. As a writer, I have learned a few important skills that I apply to my writing as I learn and grow. Perhaps, these skills might help you too!

I have watched myself grow as a writer, and I am happy with my progress; however, there are always areas I can improve upon. I find myself researching and seeking professional writers’ advice often, and when I apply their advice to my work, I can see the difference it makes. Being open to constructive criticism is an important trait as a writer. Learning the difference between constructive criticism and unsolicited insults is another important lesson; however, it is a bit more painful.

It is impossible to please everyone!!!!

If one desires to write about a specific subject, they should be able to do so without fear of upsetting someone. Before I continue my thought, let me be very clear, I do not mean this is an acceptable excuse for racist comments or bullying; there are no excuses for such behavior! I am referring to specific topics some see as “taboo.” I.e., sex.

I pass no judgment on what other writers choose to write, but there is a big difference between romance and smut. I prefer the former. I enjoy writing the intimacy between the characters and their emotions tied to their lovemaking more than writing the actual act of lovemaking. Don’t get me wrong, writing sex scenes is hot and can be a lot of fun, but I don’t enjoy reading page after page about his “throbbing member” or her “perky nipples,” so it only makes sense that I don’t want to write that way either.

I have refrained from writing sex scenes at all, leaving the readers with their imagination of what happens when the bedroom door closes, but it’s unsatisfying. I’ve heard from my readers that it is unsatisfying. To be honest, I’m unsatisfied while writing it. The reason for writing the levity and chemistry between my characters is to make my readers fall for them. If I do my job correctly, my readers root for my characters to confess their love and then express that love through different forms of intimacy. Denying my readers the physical intimacy between my characters is not only cruel; it’s teasing. I enjoy teasing, and I might leave my readers hanging in suspense for a few chapters (evil laugh), but ending my book without that sweet release would make me a tease, and I’ve never wanted to be associated as one.

Here’s the thing, I enjoy writing romance, and I’m terrific at it; that is until I get to the sex scenes. My work either looks like I am submitting an article to Penthouse Forum or explaining the beautiful act of lovemaking to a teenager; there is no in-between. I need to hone my skills and practice these scenes. Yes, I don’t need to share all of them; however, I do want your feedback. I am open to constructive criticism, and I need to hear from my readers what parts are lacking, where I can turn up the heat, and as hard as it might be to hear, what content is cringe-worthy because I don’t want that in my novel. (Or my blog, for that matter. You guys deserve quality content.)

I can no longer refrain from writing sex scenes to appease those readers who have reached out and told me they don’t like them. I have heard your concerns and distaste, and I appreciate those of you who try to look out for me, but not writing sex scenes hinders my skills, and I cannot allow that to continue. Please know, my intentions are not to offend anyone. I am careful not to pass judgment or misinformation on subjects I don’t fully understand, which is why I immerse myself in so much research.

Since I’m looking inward, I have also discovered it is not just the fear of offending others with my writing but also making myself vulnerable. My writing is fictitious, but writing clearly and concisely about a subject means I understand what I am talking about, which makes me a little vulnerable. While my characters are not representations of who I am, my writing surely is.

I suppose I’m also a little nervous for the people who know me personally to read my work. I realize it might sound silly, coming from a 36-year-old woman, but do I really want my brother, aunts, uncles, and grandma to read this side of me? I imagine if I talked to them about it, they would probably tell me we’re all adults, we all enjoy sex, and writing about it between fictional characters is far different than writing about my personal experiences.

When I turn to the experts they all say the same thing. Read a lot, and write a lot.

Practice! Practice! Practice!

After doing a lot of reading and writing, which is pretty much my basic go-to’s to wind down anyway, here is what I am left with, the best romance novels I have read have sex scenes in them. These sex scenes are hot and steamy, but they do not mention vulgar words for private parts, and there is emotion tied to every action. There is heat in body language and unspoken words through eye contact. I find that romantic scenes are the perfect opportunity for me to write prose or poetic lines, and I really want to practice this. No, I NEED to practice this. The ability to compare the act of lovemaking to something as beautiful as a meteor shower is something I aspire to do. 

There is only one way I can achieve my goal, and that is by practicing! Not every fictional story I share on the blog will be filled with sex scenes, but you will start seeing more of them. I understand if you don’t like that and don’t want to read my work. I take no offense. You need to be true to who you are, just as I need to be true to who I am. I can only improve my writing skills by expanding and writing scenes that are out of my comfort zone. I am not ashamed to admit that there are areas of my writing that need improving, and I have no shame in asking for your feedback.

You, my lovely readers, will always hold a dear spot in my heart, and I am so thankful that I can turn to you in times of support and trust that you will tell me how I can become a better writer. When I do make it, and you pull my book off your bookshelf, you will know you had a hand in it because it was your feedback, advice, and support that moved me to accomplish this life-long dream.

I look forward to meeting all of you at my book signing! Haha.

Thank you in advance for your unwavering support, I would not be the woman or the writer I am today without you.

Love & life lessons,


This entry was posted in Lessons, This Is Me and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to Changes in Mindset – On Writing

  1. ashleyleia says:

    I say good for you! What better place for practice than your blog?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sadje says:

    I think Kristen, you should write whatever way you want to. It’s your prerogative.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Simon says:

    Go for it! I hope you enjoy writing them 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Paula Light says:

    I used to write good sex, both the beautiful kind and the smutty kind, but I got super bored with it. There isn’t all that much variety in what people do (unless you’re writing BDSM or whatever), and it became a big yawn. I feel similarly about reading most sex scenes, though I still enjoy the emotional content of romance novels.

    But I can critique them, if you like. I’ve read zillions of them.

    As far as feeling embarrassed, I get that but think of it this way… is Stephen King embarrassed to write about murderous monsters because people might wonder if he’s ever killed someone? I don’t think readers should assume a writer has engaged in the sex acts she portrays, same as not assuming a mystery writer is a murderer. I mean, if some do assume it, that’s their problem!

    I also write about places I’ve never been to, such as Aruba, by googling a lot 🤩

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you, Paula. I would love to get your feedback! I like your outlook, and you’re right; I shouldn’t put so much stock in others opinions.

      I do lots of research of places I’ve never been as well.

      Thank you again, I really appreciate your support!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The V Pub says:

    Write whatever you want. People with thin skins are getting out of hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Brad Osborne says:

    I agree that the infrequent inclusion of some hot physical scenes can be a great benefit to the story and the reader. But there is some area between yawning and PornHub. The description of physical love making can be as nuanced as any writing. Being smutty comes more from word choices than the act being described. You will find your area, and you can certainly leave some things to the reader’s imagination. We can work on this whenever it suits you and I am happy to give feedback. Stay well, stay inspired, and let that tigress loose a little….😁

    Liked by 1 person

  7. jonicaggiano says:

    I think lovemaking and including the act in an artful way adds to a story. I don’t necessarily like a lot of vulgarity but I am a poet and sex is a big part of what I write about but often without using sexual words at all. I too, think you should write what you want to. I would take Brad up on his kind offer he is a very talented writer and extremely kind. Sending you hugs 🤗 Joni

    Liked by 1 person

  8. says:

    I think you write beautiful loves scenes and poems! Those are some of my favorite blogs. I really struggle to keep up with peoples blogs and actually do a bad job at it, but when I see you write one of your “romantic” pieces, I make sure I do! Kristian, I look forward to buying your book, but in the meanwhile, keep practicing on us!! I would be disappointed if you didn’t. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Aww, your support and friendship means so much to me, Sandy! I promise to keep practicing, and I hope to post a short story soon! I get behind on my blog readings, but when I do take some time to catch up, your blog is always one of the first sites I visit. ❤

      I haven’t forgotten about the cheesy cauliflower either. I will get that recipe to you soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Halbarbera says:

    Applies to your life itself…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I like that “You can’t edit a blank page” Woo that’s good!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Laura Beth says:

    I’m excited to read what you write. My first novel has a lot of sex – A lot more than what I was originally anticipating. That’s what happens when you write a novel over the course of 6 1/2 years. And it’s teenage sex, too. I’ve already gotten a lot of good feedback, mainly to tone down my language a bit because some of it was borderline pornographic, and I don’t think anyone really wants that in anything other than Playboy, right? Haha! But, because of the feedback I’ve received so far, I’m emboldened to write it better. My second novel has a lot of 1950s sex, and it’s been exciting!

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      That is so exciting and I can’t wait to read your novel!!! I really think this is what is holding me back from flourishing! I’m also working on a psychological thriller, and even it is going to end up having a sex scene. I’m not that far into writing it yet, but I just know it’s where the story is headed. It will be brief, but it’s important to the story. Feedback is especially important. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts!


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  13. aguycalledbloke says:

    Way to go Madam K – first and foremost, this is your space – you have to do what you desire to do :0

    i am currently going through a lot of changes in my own blog and creating a new one which will deal more specifically with content and my current one is to concentrate upon more writing and strangely enough, l have a series coming up that deals with sex and a lot of it, but l will be writing it from more of reality point of view and on the funny side of life over that of the romantic erotic side.

    i always look at a couple of things … 1] You are right – you can’t please everyone, but that’s not your job, your job is to please yourself first and your audience second and 2] treat your blog like the blank canvas it is and paint your colours!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. aguycalledbloke says:

    Madam K, it’s your day again!

    So here’s wishing you a great Thursday.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Vivi says:

    Read more, write more. Very true.

    Liked by 1 person

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