The Bleeding of Me

Imagine that you are thrown into a pool without knowing how to swim. The pool is full of obstacles that you must get through just to make it to the shallow end where you can finally breathe. This is how I feel, all of the time, lately. I have responsibilities, and sometimes those responsibilities become backed up because I have so much on my plate I struggle to get everything done. Then I’m left looking at what needs to be done, and I have difficulty relaxing. It’s a vicious cycle.

I suffer from seasonal depression; add to it that I haven’t left my house in over a year due to the pandemic, a health scare with my father (he is fine, by the way,) but I am going a bit stir crazy. I think that’s true for most of us. My father is getting older, and I’ve noticed little things that I need to keep a closer eye on, but he is thriving, living alone for the most part. I think he’ll be able to do so for a few more years. I’m looking into ways to make life a little easier for him, so he can still keep his independence.

Being a caregiver isn’t the easiest of tasks. I don’t mean to complain, I’d marry Neil all over again if I had the chance, but that doesn’t mean that life isn’t difficult or that it doesn’t get the best of me sometimes. Neil does what he can to help, but mostly everything falls on me. Now I’ve gone and added University student to the numerous hats I already wear, I believe I might be a glutton for punishment.

In addition to this funk I’m in and can’t seem to bring myself out of, I am disgusted by the racism in this world. How anyone can look at anyone else regardless of skin color, nationality, etcโ€ฆ and not see the human spirit inside that person is beyond me. I will never understand it, it will always make me angry, and due to that, sometimes I have to take a step back. It’s not that I won’t raise my voice and stand with anyone who is different than I am because I will always stand for what I believe in, but sometimes the anxiety isn’t worth it. For example, I got into it with a Trump supporter who posted a very racist comment on Facebook not too long ago. This particular woman commented about slavery reparations and how she should paint her skin black so she can receive the help from her country that she deserves. Well, let’s just say this didn’t sit well with me. She asked a simple question, “How is my comment racist when I’m just speaking the truth?” Being the naive soul I can be, at times, I honestly thought that maybe she truly didn’t understand how her comment was racist, so I decided to educate her. I even brought credible sources to back up my thoughts, and when I asked her where she got her information to support her counterpoints, she became angry. Instead of providing me with sources or admitting that she didn’t have credible sources to back her information, she decided to take the bullying route. Instead of answering my question, this 50-year-old woman responds by telling me that she doesn’t think I’m pretty because of the gray streak in my hair and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ugly.

Don’t mind the silly filter; it’s the most recent picture I have where you can really see all of the silver in my hair.

The old Kristian would have replied with some snarky comeback about how she is too stupid to back up her sources and too closed-minded to listen to any kind of reason or even want to be educated on subjects she doesn’t understand. Instead, I responded with the following gif:

Sometimes, the best answer is just to walk away, and I’m proud of myself for leaving it at this because any sane person who sees her post will realize she’s the one who came out looking like an idiot.

I am going through the motions, and I’m trying to pull myself out of my funk, and I’m trying not to let things outside of my control bother me so much. I am growing and learning and adapting new beliefs. I plan to write about this, and I hope to get back to blogging somewhat regularly again, but I tend to fall inward when I’m feeling depressed. I have a hard time reaching out to people, I want to write, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I have no energy, and I lack motivation, and I hate this feeling. I will snap out of it; it’s just taking a long time.

I am behind on most of your blog posts, but I do hope to catch up, or at the very least, start actively reading them again. I’ve just needed a bit of a break from everything, but now I find myself missing my creative writing. I have new ideas as well, but I’ll save those for another post.

Spring is almost here! In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling my feelings and bleed until I heal.

I hope all of you are well and I wish you the best week ahead!

Love and life lessons,

Kristian

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41 Responses to The Bleeding of Me

  1. Paula Light says:

    What a terrible person. Glad you walked away. And you look beautiful! This has been a tough year ๐Ÿ˜ž

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sadje says:

    An argument with this sort of person is not worth the aggravation it causes. Youโ€™re looking great with silver streaks. I hope things get easier for you! Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ashleyleia says:

    “You’re ugly” โ€“ I don’t think I’ve heard someone use that in an argument since elementary school. Early elementary school, at that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The V Pub says:

    There are very bad people all over the world, and many are not Trumpsters. That’s the problem with social media – everyone has an opinion and not necessarily an informed one. Best to cut her out and let her swim in her own poison.

    And that photo is hot! ๐Ÿ˜

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Yeah, I don’t mean to bash all Trump supporters or anyone with a different political view for that matter, but she was stating specific reasons for her beliefs and they all revolved around Trump and his politics. Yes, I blocked her and removed myself from her negativity.

      Thank you, Rob! ๐Ÿ˜˜

      Like

  5. Sunny Larue says:

    I’m so sorry you have to experience this. The struggle is real and your a warrior a champion and beautiful don’t ever forget that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That is too bad that she had to take that route rather than admit that what she said was ridiculous. And what grey hair? You are gorgeous. Arg I dislike trolls and bullies. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • kristianw84 says:

      Trust me, it’s there! But it’s growing on me. When I pull it back I look like Rogue from X-men! Haha. And thank you!! ๐Ÿ’œ

      Liked by 2 people

      • I don’t know what is going on with mine. Today I had it pulled up and one swath was blonde. Like seriously where the heck did that come from. Last week I was asked if I dyed my hair recently because it was so much more red. I do nothing to it. Except letting it grow and do what it wants. We are both happy with that relationship ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    • And when you consider that it was a older person she was speaking with. It’s like what are they teaching their children and grandchildren?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely. I shake my head wondering what type of example is this? That it is okay to attack someone by any means if you disagree with their words. Like overturning elections. But that is just me. Kindness goes further in the long run than bullying and idiocy in the short term.

        Liked by 2 people

      • kristianw84 says:

        I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to certain topics. Racism is one of them. I actually saw a 60-year-old woman wearing a Confederate flag tank top & low rise jeans ๐Ÿคฎ walk up to a black woman and tell her, “I’m going to teach my grandchildren to hate you.” Ugh!! I wanted to punch her in the face and tell her to stop brainwashing her grandchildren! I don’t get it!!!!

        Like

  7. Laura Beth says:

    I’m so sorry that this person resorted to name-calling one of the most beautiful women that I know! I’m glad you blocked her. I continue to be convinced that we are soul sisters – I’m going stir crazy, have hardly left the house since March 18, 2020, and my own dad is starting radiation treatments soon! Sending love and hugs to both you and Neil!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Great post! I’ve always found seasonal affective disorder really interesting. Most people feel really blue during the winter months and miss the sun but I’m the total opposite and winter makes me so happy. Well as happy as a person with depression can be anyway.. Siobhan โ™ก | Vegan Babe Life

    Liked by 1 person

  9. sundaymorningwithsandy.com says:

    Hi Kristian! I can’t tell you how many FB posts I want to freak out about but don’t. I dwell over the perfect response, and in the end, say it isn’t worth it. Most times, it has been from my husband’s family! Stay away from there!! You can’t change ignorant people such as the one you are talking about. This is always the worst time of year for me, so although I don’t suffer from seasonal depression, I understand it a little bit, and my heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of love and hugs, and I pray you get some relief soon. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s amazing how many “older” people, and despite their years of life, have the WORST insults ever. The funniest ones for me, are always about “going back to school” or “isn’t it time for school”. At first I actually didn’t want to “hit back” with something rude. But now, I do, lol. I always say something like “I’ve got my modern education, maybe you need to go back to school. We’ve made great developments since your time at school, when they discovered fire” LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. jonicaggiano says:

    I certainly agree with you. I have had to tell people that I just refuse to talk politics with my friends.
    I also agree with what you said about racism. I live in NC and one of the reasons I left for thirty years was because of the horrible racism. I am back but racism still runs a muck here. It is something that saddens my heart and brings me to tears.

    I have been stuck lately too perhaps it just became overwhelming. I think that might be what has happened to me. I hope you feel better soon my friend. Love โค๏ธ Joni

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      I live in a rural area that is mostly conservative, and I am not. Lol. That’s not to say I believe ALL conservatives are racist because I don’t. I know very good people who lean to the right, but it just seems like the majority of people around me go around waving their Confederate flags, proudly stating it’s a part of our heritage and we should be proud of our ancestors. I just scratch my head! These people do realize the confederates lost right? They do realize they commited treason & fought against American soldiers, they killed American soldiers. I’m not sure what there is to be proud of!!
      I’m mostly German/English & Scottish. There’s a high probability that some of my ancestors were nazi’s and/or slave owners. I’m certainly not proud!! People are genuinely baffling.

      It’s been a tough year! I think we could all use some time beyond our same 4 walls. I hope you feel better soon too, Joni! โค

      Liked by 1 person

      • jonicaggiano says:

        Oh what a kind comment my friend. I am completely recovered so thank you for that. As for the political parties and racism this is what I think. I donโ€™t watch tv and havenโ€™t for fifteen years but I do watch Netflix and good movies. The world is filled with a lot of hate and racism still which honestly I donโ€™t understand. Racism is taught we are not born with that anger and hate. I try to be a good example but sometimes people make it hard. I understand how you feel and it has been a very hard year. It has saddened me and I
        Feel particularly bad for the children,teachers and parents. I am praying for better days ahead. People are baffling indeed my friend. Bless your heart stay away from tv and hopefully we will have a peaceful and wonderful spring time. Sending lots of love, hugs and blessings your way. ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿค—โค๏ธJoni

        Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        Thank you, my dear!! I hope you have a fantastic weekend!! ๐Ÿ˜˜ I’m happy to hear that you’re well. โค

        Liked by 1 person

      • jonicaggiano says:

        ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿค—โค๏ธ๐Ÿฅฐ

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Haley Scully says:

    I’m so sorry you had to deal with that terrible person’s foolishness. But, I’m very proud of you for walking away and leaving it at that. Unfortunately, that type of person doesn’t listen to reason, go off of actual logic, or rely on credible, proven information. So, it’s not worth the frustration of arguing with them. We all know they were in the wrong, not you. They also don’t know what they’re talking about, because you’re lovely and the silver streaks look wonderful. I’m wishing for the absolute best for you! And I hope things get better! ๐Ÿ’•

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you, Haley. I have been limiting my time on Social media and I have blocked, muted, and followed quite a few people who revealed their true colors over the past year. I am starting to perk up a little. The weather has been lovely and I’ve been ceasing every opportunity to take advantage of the sun and fresh air. I hope you have been well. โค

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haley Scully says:

        You’re very welcome! ๐Ÿ’œ Same here! I haven’t been quite as active there lately, and I’ve done the same things quite a bit over the past year. I feel that everything going on has brought out the true colors and nature of certain people. They’re not always great colors, for sure. That’s great to hear, though! ๐Ÿ˜Š I’ve been loving the warmer weather as well. It really is a breath of fresh air after the cold of winter. And thank you! I am doing well! I’m really excited that we’re transitioning more and more into spring. Finally, haha! โœจ๐ŸŒท

        Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        Yes, I especially love hearing the birds greet me in the morning. ๐Ÿ’™ I’m glad to hear you’re doing well!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Haley Scully says:

        There are so many wonderful parts of spring! Being able to hear birds and their lovely chirping is definitely one of them. ๐Ÿ˜„๐ŸŽถ And thank you!! I truly appreciate it. ๐Ÿ’–

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Amir says:

    I have only seen your pics and what I can tell you is that you are going to grow into a classy old lady with wits outsmarting every one around you. For now, enjoy this patiently seeing, watching and learning. hugs! ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒน

    Liked by 1 person

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