The Bleeding of Me

Imagine that you are thrown into a pool without knowing how to swim. The pool is full of obstacles that you must get through just to make it to the shallow end where you can finally breathe. This is how I feel, all of the time, lately. I have responsibilities, and sometimes those responsibilities become backed up because I have so much on my plate I struggle to get everything done. Then I’m left looking at what needs to be done, and I have difficulty relaxing. It’s a vicious cycle.

I suffer from seasonal depression; add to it that I haven’t left my house in over a year due to the pandemic, a health scare with my father (he is fine, by the way,) but I am going a bit stir crazy. I think that’s true for most of us. My father is getting older, and I’ve noticed little things that I need to keep a closer eye on, but he is thriving, living alone for the most part. I think he’ll be able to do so for a few more years. I’m looking into ways to make life a little easier for him, so he can still keep his independence.

Being a caregiver isn’t the easiest of tasks. I don’t mean to complain, I’d marry Neil all over again if I had the chance, but that doesn’t mean that life isn’t difficult or that it doesn’t get the best of me sometimes. Neil does what he can to help, but mostly everything falls on me. Now I’ve gone and added University student to the numerous hats I already wear, I believe I might be a glutton for punishment.

In addition to this funk I’m in and can’t seem to bring myself out of, I am disgusted by the racism in this world. How anyone can look at anyone else regardless of skin color, nationality, etc… and not see the human spirit inside that person is beyond me. I will never understand it, it will always make me angry, and due to that, sometimes I have to take a step back. It’s not that I won’t raise my voice and stand with anyone who is different than I am because I will always stand for what I believe in, but sometimes the anxiety isn’t worth it. For example, I got into it with a Trump supporter who posted a very racist comment on Facebook not too long ago. This particular woman commented about slavery reparations and how she should paint her skin black so she can receive the help from her country that she deserves. Well, let’s just say this didn’t sit well with me. She asked a simple question, “How is my comment racist when I’m just speaking the truth?” Being the naive soul I can be, at times, I honestly thought that maybe she truly didn’t understand how her comment was racist, so I decided to educate her. I even brought credible sources to back up my thoughts, and when I asked her where she got her information to support her counterpoints, she became angry. Instead of providing me with sources or admitting that she didn’t have credible sources to back her information, she decided to take the bullying route. Instead of answering my question, this 50-year-old woman responds by telling me that she doesn’t think I’m pretty because of the gray streak in my hair and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ugly.

Don’t mind the silly filter; it’s the most recent picture I have where you can really see all of the silver in my hair.

The old Kristian would have replied with some snarky comeback about how she is too stupid to back up her sources and too closed-minded to listen to any kind of reason or even want to be educated on subjects she doesn’t understand. Instead, I responded with the following gif:

Sometimes, the best answer is just to walk away, and I’m proud of myself for leaving it at this because any sane person who sees her post will realize she’s the one who came out looking like an idiot.

I am going through the motions, and I’m trying to pull myself out of my funk, and I’m trying not to let things outside of my control bother me so much. I am growing and learning and adapting new beliefs. I plan to write about this, and I hope to get back to blogging somewhat regularly again, but I tend to fall inward when I’m feeling depressed. I have a hard time reaching out to people, I want to write, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I have no energy, and I lack motivation, and I hate this feeling. I will snap out of it; it’s just taking a long time.

I am behind on most of your blog posts, but I do hope to catch up, or at the very least, start actively reading them again. I’ve just needed a bit of a break from everything, but now I find myself missing my creative writing. I have new ideas as well, but I’ll save those for another post.

Spring is almost here! In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling my feelings and bleed until I heal.

I hope all of you are well and I wish you the best week ahead!

Love and life lessons,

Kristian