Overwhelming Feelings

overthinking
 
 
 
The truth is I have been feeling overwhelmed lately, as I’m sure a lot of people have. It seems like everything always happens at once, and while there are some great changes happening in my life among the chaos, they are still changes, and that alone is overwhelming.
 
If this pandemic has taught me anything it is that nothing is ever guaranteed and I think it’s important to focus on the things that make us happy. I think it’s important for us to live a life that is worth living, and I have also learned that I am very tired.
 
I am tired of sacrificing my happiness for financial security and I am now on a mission to find a way to achieve both, whatever that entails. I might have to go back to school, I might just need to take some classes online, but whatever it is, I want more freedom with time. Ideally, I would love to find a job where I can either work remotely, or I make enough that I only need to work a few days a week. I desperately want a job that offers me the freedom to travel. So I have actively started researching industries that I am passionate about and advocate for because I still want to feel as though I am making a difference in the world, even if it’s small.
 
The job I have now can be very rewarding, but it’s also disheartening. Of course, I have received a major raise in pay. I’m talking quite substantial, as in I’ll be making $600 more a month substantial, which is huge! It’s tempting, very tempting to stay, and I will, at least until I find something better, but I am not caving in. I am not going to stay in a job that no longer brings me fulfillment or makes me want to come home and cry because I was denied a grant to help babies born addicted to drugs or homeless veterans, something I shouldn’t even have to beg our government to help with. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. 
 
I am also trying to embrace the changes that are happening. I mean, who knows, maybe something will happen that will persuade me to stay (doubtful, but I’m trying to hold out hope.) I am still researching!
 
As I inch closer to forty years of age I realize just how short and precious life and time are, and I want to make the most of them!
 
After my mother died I found one of her journals. I had stashed it away with some magazines that I had brought home from one of her hospital visits, I had completely forgotten about it until I was cleaning out my bedroom closet. I almost threw the entire bag away, thinking it was just magazines, but something told me not to, and I’m glad I didn’t. Mixed in with all of her beloved “Country Time,” magazines was a journal and in that journal was a letter written to me from her. She knew her time was growing short and she left me some advice for when she was no longer here. I haven’t opened that journal since that day, but I still remember her letter word for word. It is now inked on my heart, but the main message behind all of her heartfelt words that made me sob like a child and hold that journal as close to my heart as I possibly could was to live life to the fullest. To make time to check off the items on my bucket list. To explore the world, taste different cuisines, to never stop learning, and to love with all of my heart. That is exactly what I aim to do. Not to appease my mothers wishes, I have learned that the only one I should aim to completely appease when it comes to my life is myself. I’m the one that has to live it and I deserve to have the best life possible! I do, however; want to continue to live in such a way that would make my mother proud, and I know that if she were here, she would be proud of me. 
 
This pandemic has really opened my eyes to how quickly life can change. And in the midst of everything I am disheartened by the selfishness I see around me. I am angered by the racism, hate, and injustice of both Ahmaud Arbery & George Floyd. I have also realized that these acts of violence and hate stem from fear, and that’s no excuse, there is no excuse for injustice, but I have learned that I too am afraid, just for completely different reasons.
I have also learned that I have allowed fear to get the better of me. Fear that stemmed from a conversation with my husband, both of us admitting that our intuitions are telling us something neither of us wants to hear, and fear for our planet. 
 
I cannot allow fear to dictate my life. If my worst fears are confirmed and I lose my husband before we have the chance to grow old and gray, I have to accept it. This is beyond my control and worrying about it is not doing either of us any good. I cannot worry about what my future could possibly look like without him. I just have to trust that I will be okay, and in the meantime, make the most of whatever time we have left together. I cannot allow fear for the conditions of our planet to get the best of me. I can only do what I can to better the world, but I cannot force everyone else to do the same, and when mother nature has had enough, there is not going to be anything anyone can do about it, so why worry?
 
I know this is all easier said than done, I know the time will come again when I find myself in a funk, feeling the overwhelming feelings of dread and uncertainty that come with any change, but I also know I will sit with those feelings until another realization comes to light. I am choosing to focus on the positives. I am being realistic, I realize that the things I want in life are not too much to ask for, but they are also not always easily achievable. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and determination, but I am going to get there! It might take me years, but I will get there! 
 
I also know that no matter what comes, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will never walk through any of it alone!
 
We are all in this together, friends. Here’s to letting go of what we can’t control, here’s to embracing life’s joys, and here’s to a new normal, because nothing is ever going to be exactly the way it was before, and that’s okay!
 
Here’s to letting it be!
 
Love & life lessons,
Kristian
 
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30 Responses to Overwhelming Feelings

  1. Beautiful thoughts, I quite agree…we are all in this together, we should all go through this together realising the worth and value of each member of the human race with which we share the air we breathe and the DNA that determines our humanity…and of course, you sealed it with a golden broach, The Beatles! Lovely Kristian! All the best to you! (Things are getting back to normal here in Spain and people are getting a little tired of being babied by the government, although we are still in Phase 1, people are enjoying the weather and the bars in the city to the max).
    Francisco

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you so much, Francisco! I have been taking advantage of the nice weather also. I will be slower to going back to visit beaches, parks, and anywhere else crowds gather en masse. I realize things need to start opening back up eventually, but there are signs of a second wave of the the virus coming already, so I’d rather hold out a while longer. Thank you again for your lovely comment and your support. I appreciate it and you!
      Love from Maryland,
      Kristian ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sadje says:

    I wish you all the best Kristian. It’s doable , changing the direction of your life and setting different goals.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Laura Beth says:

    Kristian,

    Your post resonated with me. I’m so happy for you that you want to find something more fulfilling with your job. That takes guts! You’re also very smart to keep working and not quit. I almost quit my job twice between 2017 and 2019. But, because I was patient, the right door opened up for me last summer. Do I struggle with my job and what I do? Yes, absolutely. But, there are so many positives. I don’t have the commute I used to (Talk about a difference in time, wow!), I work with an incredible team that doesn’t feel super fragmented and overshadowed by authority, I’m making more money, and I take more pride in the work I do. Going through this pandemic and adjusting to working from home has opened my eyes and given me greater definition of “time,” “good,” and “beautiful,” among other things. I wish you the best as you start this new journey. I’ll be one of your biggest cheerleaders!

    Love always,
    Laura Beth

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you so much, Laura Beth!! You & your friendship have meant so much to be over these past 4 years!! Seriously, how has it been 4 years already?!?! I am working towards achieving my writing goals, and I open something will open up along those line in the future, but I have no doubt that good things are waiting for me around the corner. As you mentioned, I just have to be patient. I know that there will be struggles with any job, but I feel like if I’m doing something I’m passionate about the stressful times will make it worth it. Thank you for your unwavering friendship, love, and support! I appreciate you so much!! ❤ ❤

      Like

  4. Nova says:

    I love you dear girl! I feel your anxiety. You are not along in this hard time. May your heart feel light❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. There is so much hope and inspiration in this, Kristian. Living is not easy a lot of times, and especially in these times of tumult and worry. Many people are afraid. Fear is such a motivator when faced by a wild animal or other such drama. It’s a good thing to fear, when fear is warranted but too often we allow fear to control us (and often make ourselves sick) without any real basis in fact. Thinking ‘what if’ questions are a total waste of time. I think you have a good grip on things and I wish you every success as you journey through time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Amir says:

    Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    If anything tries to overwhelm my feelings, I take brand new, but calculated risks and sort of change continents, not just countries. Next on my list is changing the planets i.e. new human colony on Mars 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thanks for the reblog! I’m game for starting a new colony on Mars. 🤣😂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amir says:

        I love seeing smile on your beautiful face. Never let anything in life overwhelm you… Rather overwhelm your own life and show your mettle to the world Kristen! 💖

        Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        Thank you, Amir! I am learning I eventually find the strength to tell fear to go fuck itself, but I haven’t figured out how to keep it from coming.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Amir says:

        Fear will never stop coming since without the unknown and the risks what good or interesting will be this life? Turn the fear in your own advantage by staying ahead of the game like how you are already planning. Do you remember we used to rush towards the laps of our moms whenever we got fearful. That’s why we have our loved ones around us to feel protected, loved and cared. You have been alright for past 40 years and will be alright for next 40, trust me 🙂 💖

        Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        Thanks. 35 years. I still have 4 years and 5 months to go! 😂🤣 But thank you so much, Amir. I really appreciate your support! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • Amir says:

        I’m sorry I saw something like 40’s in your post. Totally apologize for this (Amir goes and grabs an ice cream for Kristen as a bribe). You’re welcome 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • kristianw84 says:

        It’s okay, I wasn’t offended. I mentioned something about approaching 50. 4 years isn’t that far away.

        Like

  7. Brad Osborne says:

    Open, honest, heartfelt, and empowering! Well written, Kristian! Stay focused and stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Rising Star says:

    You are absolutely right Kristian nothing is going to be the same as it was and as we want to be, we have to move within and accept it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. TheRosebud says:

    Its amazing how out of the chaos, devastation, and destruction that has taken over our lives, so many of us have turned to seeking comfort in the fact that we just have to “let it be.” My life before this pandemic certainly functioned under a different lens. Finding peace within a storm, now that is poetic!

    Stay safe and be well,
    Erin, The Rosebud

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you so much!! Yes, it’s amazing that we can find peace during a storm, but the calmest parts of a hurricane are in the eye. Maybe that’s the key all along, to stay right in the middle and just go with the direction of the wind. Change is never easy, but it is inevitable. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. You stay safe and well too, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

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