Overwhelming Feelings

 

 

 

The truth is I have been feeling overwhelmed lately, as I’m sure a lot of people have. It seems like everything always happens at once, and while there are some great changes happening in my life among the chaos, they are still changes, and that alone is overwhelming.

 

If this pandemic has taught me anything it is that nothing is ever guaranteed and I think it’s important to focus on the things that make us happy. I think it’s important for us to live a life that is worth living, and I have also learned that I am very tired.

 

I am tired of sacrificing my happiness for financial security and I am now on a mission to find a way to achieve both, whatever that entails. I might have to go back to school, I might just need to take some classes online, but whatever it is, I want more freedom with time. Ideally, I would love to find a job where I can either work remotely, or I make enough that I only need to work a few days a week. I desperately want a job that offers me the freedom to travel. So I have actively started researching industries that I am passionate about and advocate for because I still want to feel as though I am making a difference in the world, even if it’s small.

 

The job I have now can be very rewarding, but it’s also disheartening. Of course, I have received a major raise in pay. I’m talking quite substantial, as in I’ll be making $600 more a month substantial, which is huge! It’s tempting, very tempting to stay, and I will, at least until I find something better, but I am not caving in. I am not going to stay in a job that no longer brings me fulfillment or makes me want to come home and cry because I was denied a grant to help babies born addicted to drugs or homeless veterans, something I shouldn’t even have to beg our government to help with. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. 

 

I am also trying to embrace the changes that are happening. I mean, who knows, maybe something will happen that will persuade me to stay (doubtful, but I’m trying to hold out hope.) I am still researching!

 

As I inch closer to forty years of age I realize just how short and precious life and time are, and I want to make the most of them!

 

After my mother died I found one of her journals. I had stashed it away with some magazines that I had brought home from one of her hospital visits, I had completely forgotten about it until I was cleaning out my bedroom closet. I almost threw the entire bag away, thinking it was just magazines, but something told me not to, and I’m glad I didn’t. Mixed in with all of her beloved “Country Time,” magazines was a journal and in that journal was a letter written to me from her. She knew her time was growing short and she left me some advice for when she was no longer here. I haven’t opened that journal since that day, but I still remember her letter word for word. It is now inked on my heart, but the main message behind all of her heartfelt words that made me sob like a child and hold that journal as close to my heart as I possibly could was to live life to the fullest. To make time to check off the items on my bucket list. To explore the world, taste different cuisines, to never stop learning, and to love with all of my heart. That is exactly what I aim to do. Not to appease my mothers wishes, I have learned that the only one I should aim to completely appease when it comes to my life is myself. I’m the one that has to live it and I deserve to have the best life possible! I do, however; want to continue to live in such a way that would make my mother proud, and I know that if she were here, she would be proud of me. 

 

This pandemic has really opened my eyes to how quickly life can change. And in the midst of everything I am disheartened by the selfishness I see around me. I am angered by the racism, hate, and injustice of both Ahmaud Arbery & George Floyd. I have also realized that these acts of violence and hate stem from fear, and that’s no excuse, there is no excuse for injustice, but I have learned that I too am afraid, just for completely different reasons.

I have also learned that I have allowed fear to get the better of me. Fear that stemmed from a conversation with my husband, both of us admitting that our intuitions are telling us something neither of us wants to hear, and fear for our planet. 

 

I cannot allow fear to dictate my life. If my worst fears are confirmed and I lose my husband before we have the chance to grow old and gray, I have to accept it. This is beyond my control and worrying about it is not doing either of us any good. I cannot worry about what my future could possibly look like without him. I just have to trust that I will be okay, and in the meantime, make the most of whatever time we have left together. I cannot allow fear for the conditions of our planet to get the best of me. I can only do what I can to better the world, but I cannot force everyone else to do the same, and when mother nature has had enough, there is not going to be anything anyone can do about it, so why worry?

 

I know this is all easier said than done, I know the time will come again when I find myself in a funk, feeling the overwhelming feelings of dread and uncertainty that come with any change, but I also know I will sit with those feelings until another realization comes to light. I am choosing to focus on the positives. I am being realistic, I realize that the things I want in life are not too much to ask for, but they are also not always easily achievable. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and determination, but I am going to get there! It might take me years, but I will get there! 

 

I also know that no matter what comes, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will never walk through any of it alone!

 

We are all in this together, friends. Here’s to letting go of what we can’t control, here’s to embracing life’s joys, and here’s to a new normal, because nothing is ever going to be exactly the way it was before, and that’s okay!

 

Here’s to letting it be!

 

Love & life lessons,

Kristian