A Moment Of Growth

Life has a peculiar way of showing us the things we need to pay attention to sometimes, and I’ve been noticing continued patterns in my life lately.

Most of you know that I absolutely hate small talk. I struggle with the question “How are you?” when I know the person asking the question doesn’t really want to hear about how I truly am. She or he wants me to say “Fine, thanks, how are you?” Because that’s the polite thing to do. Now I know some of you really do hold true meaning behind that question, and I have learned to distinguish the difference.

One of the people I feel I can tell absolutely anything to, knowing she would never judge me, is my friend Christen. Tonight we had multiple SnapChats back and forth about our views on religion (something I don’t discuss unless I’m REALLY comfortable with you,) We have been talking about our empathy, self-discovery, favorite songs, bands, movies, quotes, poems, art, etc… the things that make us, well, us. The things that connect us, the things that make us human.

I have continued to vent my poor friend’s ear off about how my boss listens with the intent to reply and not the intent to understand. And then gets upset with me because I don’t open up to her about stuff! Ugh!!

I want so badly to tell her that our relationship is strictly professional. She is not the person I seek out for relationship advice or to talk about sex toys. *Shudders remembering the awkward conversation.*

But damn, she gives me these puppy dog eyes, and my heart breaks for her because she doesn’t have very many friends, she’s not liked by many people, and although I completely understand their reasons for not liking her, she really isn’t a bad person. She means well, but she comes off as snobbish, and I’m not making excuses, we all deserve the consequences we receive for our actions, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help but feel bad for her. There isn’t an off switch for my empathy.

Anyway, I’m grateful for my friends, Christen and Amanda, because they ARE my go-to people for relationship advice and sex toys. Haha! And so much more, I share a soul with these women!

Today, Christen brought up a point about how she needs to listen to her own intuition, but she needs to learn how to hone in on that skill of listening, really listening, and learning the difference between intuition and overthinking. I totally get where she’s coming from, I overthink my overthinking.

Yup! This is SO me! Haha!

My husband and I watched a few episodes of “The Midnight Gospel,” on Netflix. Talk about mindblowing conversations. Woah! Anyway, there was an episode where a woman was speaking about listening to everything, really listening, to other people, and not to be so self-absorbed that we don’t actually hear what they are saying. I try very hard not to do this because I know how that feels, and I don’t want to do it to others, so I like to truly listen, without judgment, no interruption, just let them get off their chest whatever they need to. I think people can read this about me somehow. I can’t tell you how many strangers I have had come up to me and pour their hearts out, and I didn’t say anything, I just listened, and they thanked me for the advice I didn’t give, or sometimes they actually thanked me for my silence. I can’t tell you how many hugs I receive from sweet old ladies who have recently lost their husbands (Well, not now of course.) I even called a couple of them today, I had to go into the office to process a few things I am not able to do at home, so while I was there I took the opportunity to check up on them and make sure they are okay. But I do have a tendency to daydream sometimes, especially when someone is rambling on about the new $300 scarves they bought for their dog (I’m not kidding,) or how upset they are because they can’t go o the beach right now. I just want to scream “I’m SORRY THAT PEOPLE DYING FROM A PANDEMIC IS SUCH AN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU!!!” So I tune them out and then feel terribly selfish for it later.

Anyway, now I’m rambling…

 

While watching this episode I thought, “Okay, world, I’m listening, I’m really listening,” and I was slapped hard with some unpleasant self-discovery.

I used to become angry when people would tell me I witnessed a beautiful thing, watching my mom die. It pissed me off because they had no idea how hard that was for me, how crippling that pain still is. All I could think about was the yellow liquid that flowed from her mouth as she took her last breath, knowing my mother drowned in her own fluids. It haunts my dreams to this very day. I wiped it just as quickly so my dad wouldn’t see it. There was nothing “beautiful” about that moment for me.

But then I realized, that moment wasn’t about me. I was too self-absorbed in my own grief to realize that though, and now I feel like a terrible daughter. *Runs to grab tissues*

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, and we are made of energy. So, my mother’s energy was transported somewhere, and regardless of what you believe, whether it was heaven, her energy was transported into another vessel as another life was being born, or she is just returned to the earth and the stars from which she came. Regardless of where her energy is right now, I know it’s somewhere because I can still feel it, and I know that wherever she is, she’s better than where she was. And that’s what people mean when they say death is beautiful, just be careful with the grieving hearts, they’re so tender. Don’t lie, but choose your words carefully, there are much easier ways to point this out to someone, and in some cases, it’s a lesson best learned on their own.

I think I’m going to break out my self discovery journal again. I think I need to spend some more time with me.

I encourage all of you to practice the art of truly listening, to others, to the world, and to yourself.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian