As I sat down to work on my novel tonight, the realization struck me that it has been a long time since I have written anything. Oh, how I’ve missed this! I felt so bad for neglecting it. Really! I feel like I’ve neglected my child!
Anyway, another realization hit me, and I guess the reason I haven’t been writing is because I have been battling with depression. Sometimes the holidays really get me down, and instead of allowing myself to feel the pain, I pushed it aside in order to keep my promise to my mother. So I put a smile on my face and laughed my way through the holidays, just so I could enjoy them! Man, am I ever good at that, I even had myself convinced!
But I have had two days of healing. The 26th, which was the 4th anniversary of my mother’s death. I fell to my knees sobbing over how much I miss that woman, and how I still feel that life is unfair and I was robbed, but then I remembered something. How blessed I was to have the years I did have with her, and how lucky I am to have so many good memories and traditions with her that I can continue.
But that led to another realization while writing a poem. I started off about how I was a child, attached to my mother’s apron strings, pulling, asking for one more cookie, and while allowing the writing to consume me, I realized I was writing about how I will never have that feeling that my mother felt, when I look down at my little girl or boy a, his or her two hands grasping my apron strings, begging for just one more cookie.
My heart sank.
I reached out to a few good friends, telling them I could just use their prayers and good energy
After that I put up a wall to protect myself from those thoughts, because if I allow myself to dwell on those thoughts, I often slip into somewhere dark,
I heard the news today of a man who committed suicide on Christmas day. All I could think about was the family of that man who walked in and found their son , father, or brother lying on the floor. Oh gosh, my heart aches so much for them!
I realized, I had an amazing Christmas in comparison, and how awful I feel that it took such a tragedy for me to realize it.
But I have come out of this bout with my head up. I’m sure it will happen again, but I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from them!!
I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday season and I can’t wait to catch up on all of your writing!
Love & life lessons,