Happy Wednesday, folks!
I had an entire post planned about how my ex harassed me at work, a chapter I thought I closed a long time ago came back to haunt me. Everything is alright, it actually came back around to bite him, but I still had to have a meeting with the President & Vice president of the agency explaining why I couldn’t work with him. I had to relive those memories and describe a part of my life that is already hard to talk about, and I had to discuss it with people I had never planned on telling because I don’t want to bring my baggage to work. It was uncomfortable, sitting in a stuffy office, the air thick with tension, explaining that the man who went all the way to the president to complain that he wanted to work solely with me, and I refused, raped me.
I have had some break downs, the nightmares started again, always the same, I wake up feeling his hands around my throat, but then something wonderful happened.
My coworker asked me, other than watching my mother die, what is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? And I replied “Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry.” After the incident he kept showing up to my work, calling me nonstop. I remember he even texted me at work one day, telling me I look great in yellow, and he was standing in the parking lot of the dental office where I was working at the time, looking in through the window.
I changed my phone number, I even got a new job. Anyway, I was having this conversation with a family member the other day, not an easy conversation to have, and here comes the wonderful part, while talking I remained calm. I wasn’t emotional like I usually am, I didn’t feel the need to go hunt him down and run him over with my car, I wasn’t tempted to call my brother and say “Come get him,” there was nothing. The part of me that he used to reside in is now void!!
Now that’s not to say I won’t battle with it from time to time, or that the nightmares won’t creep in, I still struggle with forgiving myself for getting involved with him in the first place, and being naive enough to think I could actually change him. I actually believed him when he told me that I could help him become a better person.
Anyway, that’s the hardest part I face now, forgiving myself. I still haven’t quite figured out how to do that, but instead of getting into all the details like I had planned, I’m just going to push it aside. He is not worth my time nor my energy!
My coworker brought in her 6 week old puppies who have an exciting trip to the vet today, so there are 4 puppies roaming around my office, and I’ve already told my boss today is not going to be a very productive. Haha! Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a puppy giving me eyes and whining, he demands my attention, and who am I to deny such a sweet, little face?
How is your Wednesday?
Love & life lessons,