Hello, beautiful people,
With age comes wisdom, and in my 34 years on earth I am finally learning that it is OKAY to make time for myself. It is OKAY to not always put others first and constantly sacrifice my own wants and needs. I am guilty of this way more than you can imagine. I have a hard time telling people no, when someone asks where I want to go or what I want to do I almost always respond with “Whatever you want,” because I’m honestly happy making others happy, but the other people who are just like me throw that same line back at me, and before we know it it’s well into the night and it’s too late to do anything.
Why do I do that to myself? And it’s not just with certain people, it’s with everyone. There is not nearly enough self-love in my life, and that needs to stop!
I have spoken numerous times about how my mother’s death has affected me, but since her death there have been so many other factors that have weighed me down, the decline of my husband’s health, my dad being diagnosed with skin cancer (I know skin cancer is easily treatable, but he has a history with lymphoma and just hearing the word “cancer” terrifies me now.) We have had a multitude of issues with our house. I live in the house my mother grew up in, and I’m fortunate to keep what once belonged to my grandmother in the family, but the house is very old, it was built in the early 30’s, and without going into a lot of detail about it, the house just needs a lot of work. So, Neil and I would start one project and 5 more would pop up behind it and we’ve shelled out so much money for this house, and it’s still not up to code. I applied for a special loan through the state of Maryland, because of my husband’s disabilities we need a customized house, which means lots of dollars, and while we’re doing fairly well financially, we aren’t rich by any means. So I could use all the prayers, good vibes, and positive thoughts you’ve got that this special loan will go through, and we will be able to knock this house down and build a new one on our property. That’s the ideal situation for us, and I’m trying to be as positive as I can that it WILL happen.
Anyway, there have been lots of factors at work too, and I’m not going to lie, life hasn’t treated me the greatest in the last few years, I’ve been left heartbroken, devastated, and some days it’s been a chore just to get out of bed. I’ve neglected my health, & my passions, (with the exception of a photography & writing.) That’s not to say there hasn’t been good times. There have, there have been moments that have left me absolutely elated, but in the grand scheme of things I haven’t been as happy as I usually am.
This time of year usually get me down anyway. I love the holidays, but after they are over I’m left feeling empty and a little depressed, so this year I decided I’m going to devote more time to myself, especially now, so I can lift my spirits!
Yesterday, I bought myself some new makeup brushes, and I almost talked myself out of them because they were a bit expensive, but I gave myself a pep talk, I very rarely buy things for myself, unless it’s something I absolutely need, which in most cases is something for the house, and it’s something Neil benefits from too, so I thought to myself: “You know what, Kristian, you deserve this. You deserve the cute makeup brushes that look like unicorn horns, with the soft bristles that don’t leave your skin feeling like you just rubbed sand paper across it after you’ve finished blending.” Am I right, ladies?!?!
I am going to focus more on my health, because that’s a part of self-love too. It’s not about looking great in a swimsuit (although, I won’t lie, I’d love to have that confidence,) it’s not about looking in the mirror and finding myself attractive, (because I’m not sure that will ever happen.) It’s about health. I want to be able to travel and be active in my golden years, and I need to take better care of myself now so that I can ensure that happens! So I’m going to get back on track with better eating habits, I’m going to work out more, but I’m also going to allow myself to indulge once in a while. Not a lot, but once in a while, because life it too short to not eat cake, or in my case, pie!
I’m going to take more time to send snail mail, because it’s something I thoroughly enjoy and it gives me the opportunity to be crafty, which is something that I haven’t been very active with lately, and I miss it!
I have started a friendship bucketlist with Amanda, and now Christen, and I’m determined to start crossing more of those items off. I want to spend more time making memories with them and all of the people I love, because when my time comes around, I want to look back on my life with a smile. I want to remember more happy moments, and while I can’t control my husband’s or father’s health, or the weather this time of year, nor can I control my friend’s and families schedules, especially my California family, I can control how often I reach out to them, I can control how I react to those situations outside of my control, and I absolutely can take back my happiness. I miss the old Kristian, and I’m working on getting her back!
This is going to be my year, folks! I’m going to get healthier, I’m going to spend more time reading books, crafting, sending letters to my pen pals, calling and texting my long distance friends and relatives, I’m going to finish my novel!!
I am unstoppable once I make up my mind, and I’ve made up my mind that this year is going to be a positive one, because I need a break from the heartache!
I read a blog post this morning by Didi, and if you have not checked out her blog, you really should! She talks about encouragement, and her post inspired me to write this one, so thanks, Didi! But she’s right, encouragement should be personal! I can’t do this alone, I need support, and fortunately I have a rather huge support system, but with that being said, I want you to know that I am also here for you! I’ll be your supporter, and while I’m on this mission for more self-love, I’m still going to be the same caring gal I’ve always been, who will encourage you to love yourself!
Let’s do this together folks! Here’s to making 2019 the best year yet!!
Love & life lessons,