I Miss My Mom

“I’ll like you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living your baby I’ll be.”

I have mentioned before how writing is therapeutic for me. I have found that when I jot my feeling down on paper I feel so much better afterwards. I started this blog for selfish reasons, I will admit, but I also wanted to reach others who might be facing similar issues, but I had no idea when I started this little blog three years ago that it would blow up the way it has. I’m so grateful for the connections I’ve made through it!

If you’ve been following me for a while you know that I lost my mother three years ago, the timing of my blog couldn’t have been more perfect, but I went back recently and read my very first blog post, and I think back then I knew deep down I was going to lose her. Anyway, I like to talk about the process of grieving as it comes, and say the things that people typically don’t tell you when you lose a loved one, because I think it’s important, and I wish someone had told me what to expect ahead of time, so if I can help someone else through grief, that’s the best gift I think I can offer.

People will often tell you that the first Christmas, birthday, whatever without your loved one is the hardest. That was not the case for me. That first year was hard, don’t get me wrong, but I think I was sort of in denial. It felt like she was going to show up at any moment, or that she was just away but not that I would never see her again. The second year was harder, but this year, for some reason, has been the hardest. I’m not sure if it’s because some other life issues are hitting me hard and I’m longing to have one of our long chats, where I bare my soul over a cup of coffee and let the tears flow freely and listen to my mom’s sound advice. I’m feeling a bit lost if I’m being honest. This morning I had to make a conscious effort just to get out of bed. I actually had to think about every step I needed to take to make it to work this morning.

I started decorating my house for Christmas last weekend, and I was actually really excited, but then I started cleaning, dusting baseboards, knocking down cobwebs, scrubbing floors, etc., and I just kept putting off putting up the rest of the decorations, especially the tree. My tree still isn’t up and I realized just this morning that I’ve been putting it off because I know that my heart is going to break when I open up that box of ornaments and see all of the ones that should still be at my parent’s house and on their Christmas tree.

People will also tell you that all it takes is a sight, smell, or sound to make you think of the one you’ve lost. I’m here to tell you that sometimes it takes nothing, nothing at all. You’ll be driving down the road, not listening to anything, not thinking about anything other than the car in front of you, and out of nowhere BAM! It feels like a ton of bricks has been thrown at your chest and you have to pull the car over just to catch your breath.

Thanksgiving was tough, I broke down multiple times because all I could think about was how she should still be here. I feel like I was robbed!! Robbed of more time that I should have had to do all of the things we dreamed of doing together! She was only 66-years-old, that’s hardly old! Christmas was her favorite holiday, how am I going to do this? How am I going to make it through another Christmas when I barely made it through Thanksgiving?

I am heartbroken, devastated, and extremely angry!! I want to go somewhere and scream until my lungs burn, my eyes sting because I can literally no longer cry. I want to break something!! I’m worried about what December 26^th is going to be like for me this year, I’m not sure if I should be alone or surrounded by people. I’m not sure if I should just stay in bed and cry all day or try to get out of the house, out of the county, out of the state. I just don’t know.

I made a promise to my mom. I think somehow she knew that it was going to happen during the holidays. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t stop celebrating the holidays. She made me promise that I would still carry on our traditions, and decorate, and do all of things I’ve always loved doing. So I will, I’m not going to break my promise to her, but it takes an effort. I have to force myself to do this, and that’s just not me.I LOVE this time of year, I really do!!

Another thing people often don’t say is that when someone so close to you dies it impacts your life so much that it changes you. I am still me, my core hasn’t changed, but certain things are different. The inner child in me doesn’t shine as bright as she used to, and it took me three years to understand that it’s okay. Of course I’m not going to be the same Kristian I was before my mom died because the day she died she took a piece of me with her, and it changed me irrevocably. It’s an insurmountable loss and people who also tell you it will get better with time must not have loved so deeply. I don’t say that to be mean or harsh, but I will NEVER get over this loss. I will assure you that it does get easier. You learn how to live with the loss, and there are good days, but I think I’m always going to have days where I feel beaten down because I miss her so much.

People will also say things like you haven’t lost her, she’s still with you, and that’s true! She is still with me. I feel her presence often, and she sends me signs, especially when I need her most to let me know that she’s still here, she’s still a part of me, and that’s a great comfort, but it’s not the same. Some days I NEED to hear her voice, I NEED to feel her arms around me, she gave the best hugs! I NEED to see her, and I’ll never get those opportunities, not here in this lifetime anyway, and that hurts. Don’t ever let anyone tell you not to miss your lost loved one, don’t ever let anyone tell you that so much time has passed and it’s time to move on. It’s perfectly normal to miss someone you loved so much. It’s perfectly normal to take mental health days, and it is perfectly normal to not be okay, some days. Today is one of those days for me. I am not okay. I very rarely ask for help or reach out when I’m feeling down, but I’m learning more and more to allow myself to do that. I’m always willing to extend my arms to others and lend a listening ear, and I know the people who care about me will do the same, so I need to stop being afraid to let them know when I need them.

I need you friends, I need words of encouragement, positive vibes, prayers, and whatever you can give me, and if by chance I cross your mind on December 26^th, please reach out. I have a feeling I’m going to need all the support I can get that day too!

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening, thank you for being here.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian