I Miss My Mom

mom & me

“I’ll like you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living your baby I’ll be.”

I have mentioned before how writing is therapeutic for me. I have found that when I jot my feeling down on paper I feel so much better afterwards. I started this blog for selfish reasons, I will admit, but I also wanted to reach others who might be facing similar issues, but I had no idea when I started this little blog three years ago that it would blow up the way it has. I’m so grateful for the connections I’ve made through it!

If you’ve been following me for a while you know that I lost my mother three years ago, the timing of my blog couldn’t have been more perfect, but I went back recently and read my very first blog post, and I think back then I knew deep down I was going to lose her. Anyway, I like to talk about the process of grieving as it comes, and say the things that people typically don’t tell you when you lose a loved one, because I think it’s important, and I wish someone had told me what to expect ahead of time, so if I can help someone else through grief, that’s the best gift I think I can offer.

People will often tell you that the first Christmas, birthday, whatever without your loved one is the hardest. That was not the case for me. That first year was hard, don’t get me wrong, but I think I was sort of in denial. It felt like she was going to show up at any moment, or that she was just away but not that I would never see her again. The second year was harder, but this year, for some reason, has been the hardest. I’m not sure if it’s because some other life issues are hitting me hard and I’m longing to have one of our long chats, where I bare my soul over a cup of coffee and let the tears flow freely and listen to my mom’s sound advice. I’m feeling a bit lost if I’m being honest. This morning I had to make a conscious effort just to get out of bed. I actually had to think about every step I needed to take to make it to work this morning.

I started decorating my house for Christmas last weekend, and I was actually really excited, but then I started cleaning, dusting baseboards, knocking down cobwebs, scrubbing floors, etc., and I just kept putting off putting up the rest of the decorations, especially the tree. My tree still isn’t up and I realized just this morning that I’ve been putting it off because I know that my heart is going to break when I open up that box of ornaments and see all of the ones that should still be at my parent’s house and on their Christmas tree.

People will also tell you that all it takes is a sight, smell, or sound to make you think of the one you’ve lost. I’m here to tell you that sometimes it takes nothing, nothing at all. You’ll be driving down the road, not listening to anything, not thinking about anything other than the car in front of you, and out of nowhere BAM! It feels like a ton of bricks has been thrown at your chest and you have to pull the car over just to catch your breath.

Thanksgiving was tough, I broke down multiple times because all I could think about was how she should still be here. I feel like I was robbed!! Robbed of more time that I should have had to do all of the things we dreamed of doing together! She was only 66-years-old, that’s hardly old! Christmas was her favorite holiday, how am I going to do this? How am I going to make it through another Christmas when I barely made it through Thanksgiving?

I am heartbroken, devastated, and extremely angry!! I want to go somewhere and scream until my lungs burn, my eyes sting because I can literally no longer cry. I want to break something!! I’m worried about what December 26th is going to be like for me this year, I’m not sure if I should be alone or surrounded by people. I’m not sure if I should just stay in bed and cry all day or try to get out of the house, out of the county, out of the state. I just don’t know.

I made a promise to my mom. I think somehow she knew that it was going to happen during the holidays. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t stop celebrating the holidays. She made me promise that I would still carry on our traditions, and decorate, and do all of things I’ve always loved doing. So I will, I’m not going to break my promise to her, but it takes an effort. I have to force myself to do this, and that’s just not me.I LOVE this time of year, I really do!!

Another thing people often don’t say is that when someone so close to you dies it impacts your life so much that it changes you. I am still me, my core hasn’t changed, but certain things are different. The inner child in me doesn’t shine as bright as she used to, and it took me three years to understand that it’s okay. Of course I’m not going to be the same Kristian I was before my mom died because the day she died she took a piece of me with her, and it changed me irrevocably. It’s an insurmountable loss and people who also tell you it will get better with time must not have loved so deeply. I don’t say that to be mean or harsh, but I will NEVER get over this loss. I will assure you that it does get easier. You learn how to live with the loss, and there are good days, but I think I’m always going to have days where I feel beaten down because I miss her so much.

People will also say things like you haven’t lost her, she’s still with you, and that’s true! She is still with me. I feel her presence often, and she sends me signs, especially when I need her most to let me know that she’s still here, she’s still a part of me, and that’s a great comfort, but it’s not the same. Some days I NEED to hear her voice, I NEED to feel her arms around me, she gave the best hugs! I NEED to see her, and I’ll never get those opportunities, not here in this lifetime anyway, and that hurts. Don’t ever let anyone tell you not to miss your lost loved one, don’t ever let anyone tell you that so much time has passed and it’s time to move on. It’s perfectly normal to miss someone you loved so much. It’s perfectly normal to take mental health days, and it is perfectly normal to not be okay, some days. Today is one of those days for me. I am not okay. I very rarely ask for help or reach out when I’m feeling down, but I’m learning more and more to allow myself to do that. I’m always willing to extend my arms to others and lend a listening ear, and I know the people who care about me will do the same, so I need to stop being afraid to let them know when I need them.

I need you friends, I need words of encouragement, positive vibes, prayers, and whatever you can give me, and if by chance I cross your mind on December 26th, please reach out. I have a feeling I’m going to need all the support I can get that day too!

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening, thank you for being here.

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

This entry was posted in Lessons, Personal, This Is Me and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to I Miss My Mom

  1. Aaaaaaw lovely Kristian…I did not realize all you had been through. I am so sorry.
    Huge hugs to you…xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Laura Beth says:

    Writing is very much like therapy for me, too. I can’t say I understand you, because I don’t. I still have my mom. But, reading posts like yours make me appreciate so many things. You are an amazing daughter, and I know your mom is smiling down on you.Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ruthsoaper says:

    I have to agree with what you have said here. For me the first year of holidays was not the hardest because we still carried on the family traditions but after that we stopped having the large family Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings and it got harder for me.
    My mom has been gone 7 years and there are still times when I want to pick up the phone and call her. My worst breakdown was last year when my grand daughter was born. I had called all of my sisters, my dad and my aunt to share the news. After telling everyone else I realized what I really wanted was to call mom.
    Earlier this year I was talking to my 86 year old aunt and she was talking about her mother, my grandmother, who died when I was 7 (about 45 years ago). My aunt said “I miss her so much” . Her words hit me pretty hard. After all of that time her pain was still there.
    Life will go on and we will get through it but it will never be the same.
    (HUGS)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My mum died in March 2016 so this is my third Christmas. Technically it’s more as she had alzheimers for 12 years or more before she died. It’s always going to be hard and don’t ever feel bad for grieving.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The Eclectic Contrarian says:

    I’m always around if you want to talk.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think your writing all these feelings and thoughts down was a wonderful way to sort through it all. I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m also happy you have this outlet even if it only helps a little… Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. CHRISTY ISTRATE says:

    Praying for you Kristian. So sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think whatever works, as long as it’s not putting yourself or others in danger is always hey okay with me! One can only imagine what it’s like losing a parent, I’ve come to losing my Dad and he’s still not taking good care of himself =/ We’re all always here!

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. I know one day I will have to face what you are going through and the thought terrifies me. Sending you vibes. I don’t think it is something you get over, but hopefully, it will become easier for you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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