For the past two days, I have had to wipe tears from my eyes as I wake because I was literally crying in my sleep. My heart is completely broken for a friend of mine. I’m not going to mention her name this time, because I want to protect her identity. I also will not disclose too much detail, because this is not my story to tell, however; she is going through a very heart-breaking, life-altering decision, and my heart hurts so badly for hers, because I know how badly she’s hurting. You see she and I both share this crazy connection where we both honestly believe our souls are connected. Even our top 4 countries we desire to visit are the same! I say desire, because it’s more than just a want. We feel a pull towards these countries, our souls literally long to be there. Anyway, I’m getting off track. My soul sister’s soul is shattered, therefore; a part of my soul is too.
Despite that I’m hurting, I can still manage to laugh! This is the first time that’s happened since my mom passed. Do you have any idea how huge that is for me? There’s this girl out there wandering around, you may have seen her, she has pale skin, dark hair, a prominent gray streak on her left side, a small one is starting on the right, she has blue eyes, once bright, but now appear dull, she looks lost, because she is, she’s been for a long time. Well, she belongs to me, and I’ve been looking for her. It’s taken 3 years, but I’m finally starting to find her. She’s in bits and pieces, she’s all over the place, but I’m still searching, and I’m starting to feel her again. My friends, if you’re searching for parts of yourself, please don’t give up!
I have laughed so hard and so much today that my cheeks literally hurt. Part of it might be because I’m very punchy from lack of sleep, but, I don’t care, it felt so good to laugh! The hold-on-wait-for-me, I-can’t-breathe, let me-hold-onto-the-wall, kind of laughter! I think my colleagues were laughing harder at me than the jokes we told, but their harder laughs made me laugh harder, and it just became this viscous cycle of laughter. People must have thought we were insane! (Insert Random thought: If you were in high school between 2000-2003, were there girls in your school whose lives revolved around Dave Matthews Band? I never got that. I mean, it’s not that I don’t like Dave Matthews Band, they’re alright, but I don’t think their change my whole life quality, Lol. Just sayin’.) <— Watching a documentary.
After the hustle and bustle of the day is gone and I’m winding down, I realize just how much I really do ache for my friend. Tears are stinging my eyes as I write this. I just wish there was something I could do to bring her some kind of comfort. I hate that she has to go through this, I hate that her heart is so kind and she’s so loving and that someone took advantage of that. I know how that feels, I too love very deeply, I’m an all or nothing kind of person, and I mean what I say. I wear my heart out on my sleeve and some people use that to feed their narcissism. Yet, I keep giving my everything because I don’t know how not to, and even if I did, I’m not sure that I want to. Some days, the pain is unbearable, I told Neil just yesterday that I was so sad it was hard to breathe, but my love and passion to make others happy far outweighs that of my own!
I’m worried about my father, who has skin cancer, and I don’t know if this will affect his history with lymphoma at all, and I hate not knowing, and to be completely honest, I’m a little mad at him too, because he waited 3 months to even say anything! I talk to him almost every day, and I see him at least once a week. He never said anything, he just sort of springs it on me, “Oh, hey daughter, blah blah blah, by the way I have skin cancer!”
I spit out my wine, (so sad). “What?!!” I love him, more than life itself, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for the man who raised me, he’s the reason behind my passion, he was always the one who pushed me to my limits, who believed I could go further than I believed I could. He’s the best daddy a little girl could ask for, but he’s human, and so am I, so, ya know, feelings.
If you’re wandering, my friend, let us wander together. It’s important that we know there are people out there who feed our souls. There are people I just connect with, people whom I feel I’ve known for years. Those people are few and far between, but I’m so glad I have them! I know I’ve said it before, but I will spend my last breath reminding you to CHERISH THOSE PEOPLE!!! The people who go through life with you, all the trials and celebrations, they don’t judge you, you can be weird around them. Most of all, they don’t want anything more than just to get to know you. How amazing is that?! To know there’s someone out there that genuinely cares about what you think, who values your opinions, and wants nothing from you, just your friendship and your company?! It’s one of the best feeling ever! It breaks my heart to know that some people never experience that feeling, everyone deserves that feeling!!
How are you feeling, tonight, friends?
Love & life lessons,