Hello, dear reader(s),
We are about to get very real. As I’ve mentioned before in many of my posts I am currently on a self discovery mission, and while I am loving learning who I truly am, some of the things I face are not always pleasant. This has been one of those days.
The past two weeks have been full of traveling to and from many different hospitals, houses, hotels, and doctor’s offices. The one thing I love the most about road trips with my husband is the communication. My husband and I are great communicators, which makes our marriage strong. I have recently been dealing with certain issues I will not mention, but I turned to others instead of talking to the one person I should have been talking to all along! I have no idea what I was thinking, I feel so much better after talking to him, and I know I never need to be afraid to talk to him, because he will never judge me or make me feel bad for baring my feelings. So the past two weeks have been filled with baring our souls to each other, getting through the difficult topics we put off because we knew they would pain the other one, tears have been shed, apologies have been said, and forgiveness has happened.
Now we know more about each other and how to handle certain behaviors. We have bonded and I feel even closer to him now than I did when we were first married! The best part is I think I’ve raised his confidence a little bit, because my playful, flirtatious husband is back, and I absolutely love it!!
Here comes the pain
All of these deep conversations with Neil, Amanda, and Christen are great! They are so good for my soul, but sometimes I have to get through the pain in order to heal. Through these deep conversations I have learned that no matter what I do, no matter how well it is done, there is a voice in the back of my head telling me how it could have been better, how it’s not enough,…….. long sigh, I’m not enough. I have recently learned that voice belongs to my mother.
Before I continue, let me just say my mother was an incredible woman, and I am in no way shape or from trying to make her out to be a villain. I know with absolute certainty that she would never intentionally hurt me, and in her own mind she was probably trying to make things better, not worse. To quote my friend, Amanda, “Every parent screws up their kid to some extent.”
My mind reminded me of a time when I was in middle school. I was trying on dresses, and let me tell you how much of a pain that was for me back then. I developed early, very early, way faster than any of my friends, so my hips were wider, I could no longer go without wearing a bra, and my womanly shape was already started to take form. This started before I left elementary school. I was in the dressing room trying on dresses, getting frustrated because nothing that was supposed to be for my size was fitting. Instead of explaining to me that my body was changing, and developing, and that as women our hips do expand and our breasts grow, and our waist changes shape, she just kept going up different sizes throwing them at me until I felt overwhelmed and I didn’t even want to go to the dance any more! I felt fat and I didn’t understand what was happening, I may have been growing as a woman, developing curves, but my height hadn’t changed yet, I still needed to grow into my body and I didn’t realize what was happening. My mom was a petite woman, her frame was smaller than mine when she was my age and without even realizing it she constantly brought that up to me, making me feel worse and worse about myself.
I would clean or cook or do something to surprise her and she would point out the cobweb I missed or the crumb of bread I left on the floor. Nothing I ever did felt good enough. I constantly felt like she was putting me up on this unrealistically high pedestal and I could just never completely please her. Now that she’s gone, I find myself doing this to myself!
I have always accepted that women are beautiful no matter what their shape or size is. I have friends all across the board, from pretty much skin and bones, to plus size, and I think they are all beautiful, so why couldn’t I find that beauty in myself? I realized I always felt insecure with my size when there was no reason to. I can’t help that I have curves, but I have only recently learned to love them. I am currently working on getting my body fit and healthy, this is also a part of self love, but it’s hard not to beat myself up for not taking care of my body sooner, but I am working on that too! I have accepted that my body was not made to be a size 2, and that’s okay…I can still be beautiful, me and all my curves!
Not feeling like I’m enough or anything I do is enough is harder to overcome, but I’m working on that too!
I wish I could have had this conversation with my mom, it would have broke her heart, but I think it would have brought us closer and strengthened our relationship. I would hug her and tell her that it’s okay, and she doesn’t need to be sorry, and we would get through it together. My mother still is one of the best people I will ever know, and I am thankful that she was mine.
Getting these words on paper, letting them bleed out of my soul, if you will, is very cathartic. Thank you for letting me vent!
Love and life lessons,