Love and the Country #5 – Friendship and Self Discovery

Last night Amanda and I decided to go check out a fairly new bar in the area, and the DJ that night happened to be playing jazz and funk music, so we decided we could use a much needed night out to shake away the stress of the past few weeks. Well, the music wasn’t exactly funk or jazz, but it was fun all the same, we didn’t dance, but we had deep conversation over dessert and wine. I love catching up with her, I can bare my soul to her and she won’t judge me or give me useless advice, she lends me a listening ear and an understating heart, and I absolutely love that we have that much trust in one another. We definitely give and take, and we make each other feel normal. I love this about her, but it also pains me that she understands my pain all too well, because it means she has also experienced pain, and I hate that she understands that all too well, but what’s beautiful is that she has turned that pain into something beautiful, and has become the strong, independent woman she is today, and I admire that so much!

Quality time spent with Amanda recharges my batteries and rejuvenates my soul. It’s therapy! We’ve shared laughs, hopes, dreams, and secrets our whole lives, basically, and if anything it only makes our friendship stronger. I really don’t know what I would do without her! The more I think about it, the more I agree with Carrie Bradshaw when she said “Maybe our friends are our soul mates,” as much as I love my husband, nobody quite gets me like Amanda, and I think part of that is because she is also a woman, she understands it when I say I think emotionally instead of logically, but I can’t help it, she knows, because she is the same way!  Time spent with Amanda is always fun, and as we didn’t want to call it a night at 10:00 pm, because when she asked me if we should just go home, my response was, “I don’t want to be that old yet,” so, we decided to go to another bar, where we ran into friends from high school, and the DJ played songs from middle and high school dances, and it did wonders for my nostalgic heart!

I had the best night sleep I’ve had in ages last night, and I woke up feeling renewed and energized. I took time today to stand outside and look up at the fluffy, cumulus clouds and tried to make shapes out of them. I took a moment to stand outside with my eyes closed and feel the sun on my face, and I listened to the words of a familiar song, but for the first time really heard them, they spoke to my heart, and I had to pull the car over on the side of the road as I let certain lines of John Mayer’s “In the Blood,” wash over me.

“How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?”

 

The lyrics I shared with you make me feel like John Mayer saw straight through my soul and wrote the questions I have written there. I love when songs speak to me on such a deep level!

I have also been having deep, philosophical conversations with my friend, Christen, and these are also so very good for my soul! It’s made me realize a few things about myself. I’ve discovered that I but these unrealistic expectations on myself and then when I can’t achieve said expectations, I become so angry at myself, and I belittle myself and put myself down, Why do I do that?  I have also discovered that I have hidden away the nerdy, goofy, quirky side of me for far too long, I’ve been too afraid of what people might think, but the more and more I allow her to come out, the more freeing it becomes, and I see these changes in myself taking shape, and for the first time, since I can’t remember when, I like what’s looking back at me! I even took a photo recently, and I surprised myself at how well it turned out. I NEVER like photos of myself.

I am thankful for a lot of things in my life, I have so much to be thankful for, but one of the things I hold dearest to my heart are my friendships, and the one I share with Amanda is exceptionally beautiful, she’s my person!!

Do you have people in your life that just get you? That show you their rawness and complete honesty, and you just feel whole with them? Hold on to those people, they are rare gems!!

Love and life lessons,

Kristian