I received a self discovery journal for Christmas from Grandma Grab. It’s a cool little journal filled with all kinds of thought provoking, deep, and unusual questions. I’ve found a lot about myself through doing this journal. I am a free spirit, old soul, romantic who takes pleasure in the simple things in life. I do not see the world in black and white, I loathe labels, and I’ve always been somewhere in the middle on many “hot topics.” I’m not a republican nor a democrat, I can agree with some issues on both sides, I wouldn’t classify myself as an extrovert nor an introvert, I bask in both crowds and alone time, I’m like this in pretty much all areas. When people ask me what my favorite movies, tv shows, books, etc… are I have a hard time giving them an answer because I have a very vast taste, I’m all across the board, I enjoy so many genres it’s hard to narrow it down. When discovering ones self we also must delve into the darkness within us, and I’m finding that there is a lot more darkness than I would like to admit. I’ve always considered myself to be a positive person, always striving to see the best in people and situations, always looking for the bright side of things, but there isn’t always a bright side, and that’s OKAY! I need to embrace my darkness, my inner demons, it’s the only way I’ll get a hold of them and not let them consume me. I REFUSE to let it consume me. After my mom died, and I mean seconds after I watched her take her last breath a song lyric popped into my head “As I watched my mother die, I lost my head.” Why that particular line, from such an evil song (really, the song is titled Am I evil?) I had no idea, until now.
I recently watched a movie called I Kill Giants. If you have not seen this movie, I encourage you to do so! It’s very well written, very well acted, and just all around good. The relationship between mother and daughter and the toll that the “Giant” had on her is excellent, but it brought to light some things I had never considered about my own dear mother, and my “giants” in coping with her death.
1.) A member of our IT department came to me shortly after my mom died and pulled me aside and gave me some advice on how to deal with the pain I was feeling, and what he did to cope after he lost his dad. He told me that someone told him that he would eventually feel anger towards his father, and he didn’t believe him, he thought “no, not me,” but he was wrong, he did feel anger. He told me that I would too, whether I believed it or not, and it might not come right away, but eventually I would become very angry at my mom, and he was right. Oh, it pains me so much that he was right, and I feel so guilty at being angry at her, but I am. I’m not angry at her for leaving, there’s nothing in this world that would make me wish her back if it meant she would have to endure the pain she did while she was alive. I’m mad at her for not listening to me, for being vain and not having her damn leg amputated, for not fighting for herself and her rights, she didn’t have to stay in the dirty “rehabilitation” centers, she didn’t have to listen to just one doctors advice, she could have and should have gotten numerous opinions!!
2.) Up until I watched that movie I had no guilt about the relationship I had with my mom. Before I continue, please do not feel that I am boasting, that is not my intention at all. I was a good daughter. I helped my mom with household chores, knowing how much a clean house meant to her, and I don’t just mean tidying up, I mean if there was a single spec of dirt left on the floor, her eye would spot it from 20 feet away. When I say clean, I mean spotless, no cobwebs in the ceiling corners, shiny walls because they were scrubbed with Murphy’s Oil Soap, and spotless floors and carpets, honestly, I’m surprised there’s any carpet left as much as she vacuumed, and even though I didn’t understand her need for such cleanliness on a daily basis (no, I’m not kidding,) I did it anyway, because it made her happy. I spent time with her, I brushed and washed her hair when she couldn’t, I painted her nails, I brought her gifts, I read to her, I spent time with her, often! When I knew it was the beginning of the end, I lashed out at my mom a couple of times, I made her cry! What kind of person makes their own mother cry? I feel guilty about it now, at first I didn’t give it much thought because like me, my mom is very sensitive, it’s easy to hurt her feelings, and while deep down I know I didn’t do it intentionally, I feel like some kind of cold-hearted monster because I made her cry, when we both knew she was dying! I didn’t realize it then, but after watching that movie, I realized that was me lashing out because I didn’t want her to go. It was my selfishness getting the better of me and allowing me to be angry at the entire world because deep down I knew I was going to lose her. Yeah, it’s going to take me a long time to forgive myself of this one, I only hope she forgave me and knew how much I loved her because I did. I still do!
3.) When my husband was in the hospital last month I had a moment in the shower where I literally screamed at the top of my lungs. I was sobbing so hard I had to sit down and collect myself because I could barely breathe. I have never felt so many different emotions all at once., but the most prominent one? Well, anger isn’t the word for it…this was almost sinister, I swear if I had a mirror in front of me I would have seen my own black eyes staring back at me. I was angry because I needed my mom and she wasn’t here, I was angry because my husband does not deserve the hand he has been dealt. He is a good person, why does he have to suffer so much pain and debilitating health issues, while my piece of shit ex boyfriend who abused me over and over gets everything handed to him on a silver platter? It’s not fair, and I don’t understand it, and it shakes my faith. I’m angry at my father, I feel like he has put my mom in this box. He doesn’t have any pictures of my brother, me, his grandchildren, my mom, nothing! He took everything down and buried it, and I know he’s grieving too, and I’ve tried talking to him, but I feel like he’s shutting me out every time I try to bring it up, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a complete and total mess and I don’t know how to deal with this much anger and guilt because I’ve never felt this much pain and sorrow before.
So after reading that your probably thinking “why would I watch this movie?” Ha ha. (See, I can still find some humor, some lightness in the darkness that is trying to consume me.) It’s not the movies fault I have so many inner demons I need to deal with, so my dear readers, I still very much encourage you to watch the movie, and I greatly encourage any advice, words of wisdom, or encouraging thoughts you can spare.
Thank you, as always, for reading!
Love & life lessons,