The Road to Self Discovery Isn’t Always Pleasant

I received a self discovery journal for Christmas from Grandma Grab. It’s a cool little journal filled with all kinds of thought provoking, deep, and unusual questions. I’ve found a lot about myself through doing this journal. I am a free spirit, old soul, romantic who takes pleasure in the simple things in life. I do not see the world in black and white, I loathe labels, and I’ve always been somewhere in the middle on many “hot topics.” I’m not a republican nor a democrat, I can agree with some issues on both sides, I wouldn’t classify myself as an extrovert nor an introvert, I bask in both crowds and alone time, I’m like this in pretty much all areas. When people ask me what my favorite movies, tv shows, books, etc… are I have a hard time giving them an answer because I have a very vast taste, I’m all across the board, I enjoy so many genres it’s hard to narrow it down. When discovering ones self we also must delve into the darkness within us, and I’m finding that there is a lot more darkness than I would like to admit. I’ve always considered myself to be a positive person, always striving to see the best in people and situations, always looking for the bright side of things, but there isn’t always a bright side, and that’s OKAY!  I need to embrace my darkness, my inner demons, it’s the only way I’ll get a hold of them and not let them consume me. I REFUSE to let it consume me. After my mom died, and I mean seconds after I watched her take her last breath a song lyric popped into my head “As I watched my mother die, I lost my head.” Why that particular line, from such an evil song (really, the song is titled Am I evil?) I had no idea, until now.

I recently watched a movie called I Kill Giants. If you have not seen this movie, I encourage you to do so! It’s very well written, very well acted, and just all around good. The relationship between mother and daughter and the toll that the “Giant” had on her is excellent, but it brought to light some things I had never considered about my own dear mother, and my “giants” in coping with her death.

rage

1.) A member of our IT department came to me shortly after my mom died and pulled me aside and gave me some advice on how to deal with the pain I was feeling, and what he did to cope after he lost his dad. He told me that someone told him that he would eventually feel anger towards his father, and he didn’t believe him, he thought “no, not me,” but he was wrong, he did feel anger. He told me that I would too, whether I believed it or not, and it might not come right away, but eventually I would become very angry at my mom, and he was right. Oh, it pains me so much that he was right, and I feel so guilty at being angry at her, but I am. I’m not angry at her for leaving, there’s nothing in this world that would make me wish her back if it meant she would have to endure the pain she did while she was alive. I’m mad at her for not listening to me, for being vain and not having her damn leg amputated, for not fighting for herself and her rights, she didn’t have to stay in the dirty “rehabilitation” centers, she didn’t have to listen to just one doctors advice, she could have and should have gotten numerous opinions!!

2.) Up until I watched that movie I had no guilt about the relationship I had with my mom. Before I continue, please do not feel that I am boasting, that is not my intention at all. I was a good daughter. I helped my mom with household chores, knowing how much a clean house meant to her, and I don’t just mean tidying up, I mean if there was a single spec of dirt left on the floor, her eye would spot it from 20 feet away. When I say clean, I mean spotless, no cobwebs in the ceiling corners, shiny walls because they were scrubbed with Murphy’s Oil Soap, and spotless floors and carpets, honestly, I’m surprised there’s any carpet left as much as she vacuumed, and even though I didn’t understand her need for such cleanliness on a daily basis (no, I’m not kidding,) I did it anyway, because it made her happy. I spent time with her, I brushed and washed her hair when she couldn’t, I painted her nails, I brought her gifts, I read to her, I spent time with her, often! When I knew it was the beginning of the end, I lashed out at my mom a couple of times, I made her cry! What kind of person makes their own mother cry? I feel guilty about it now, at first I didn’t give it much thought because like me, my mom is very sensitive, it’s easy to hurt her feelings, and while deep down I know I didn’t do it intentionally, I feel like some kind of cold-hearted monster because I made her cry, when we both knew she was dying! I didn’t realize it then, but after watching that movie, I realized that was me lashing out because I didn’t want her to go. It was my selfishness getting the better of me and allowing me to be angry at the entire world because deep down I knew I was going to lose her. Yeah, it’s going to take me a long time to forgive myself of this one, I only hope she forgave me and knew how much I loved her because I did. I still do!

3.) When my husband was in the hospital last month I had a moment in the shower where I literally screamed at the top of my lungs. I was sobbing so hard I had to sit down and collect myself because I could barely breathe. I have never felt so many different emotions all at once., but the most prominent one? Well, anger isn’t the word for it…this was almost sinister, I swear if I had a mirror in front of me I would have seen my own black eyes staring back at me. I was angry because I needed my mom and she wasn’t here, I was angry because my husband does not deserve the hand he has been dealt. He is a good person, why does he have to suffer so much pain and debilitating health issues, while my piece of shit ex boyfriend who abused me over and over gets everything handed to him on a silver platter? It’s not fair, and I don’t understand it, and it shakes my faith. I’m angry at my father, I feel like he has put my mom in this box. He doesn’t have any pictures of my brother, me, his grandchildren, my mom, nothing! He took everything down and buried it, and I know he’s grieving too, and I’ve tried talking to him, but I feel like he’s shutting me out every time I try to bring it up, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a complete and total mess and I don’t know how to deal with this much anger and guilt because I’ve never felt this much pain and sorrow before.

So after reading that your probably thinking “why would I watch this movie?” Ha ha. (See, I can still find some humor, some lightness in the darkness that is trying to consume me.) It’s not the movies fault I have so many inner demons I need to deal with, so my dear readers, I still very much encourage you to watch the movie, and I greatly encourage any advice, words of wisdom, or encouraging thoughts you can spare.

Thank you, as always, for reading!

Love & life lessons,

Kristian

This entry was posted in This Is Me and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to The Road to Self Discovery Isn’t Always Pleasant

  1. Laura Beth says:

    What a powerful post. I hope writing this, in some small way, has been cathartic for you. Writing is like therapy for me. It helps me so much!

    You know that I love you. You’ve shown incredible strength in writing all of this. You’ve been through a lot, a lot more than many people our age. Making connections like you have is challenging, but it helps, too. I like to think that, anyway.

    I pray for you every day. I’m glad that you haven’t let the darkness consume you. I feel like others, in your shoes, may have done that already.

    Feeling anger is normal. What you’re doing differently is learning how to manage it, and expressing it in a healthy way! That is commendable!! So many people I know have anger management issues. I can say, with confidence, that you do not have these issues.

    In terms of encouragement, although this post may be dark and unsettling, it’s important. Your voice needs to be heard. And it is. Don’t stop writing. Also, don’t apologize for writing things like this. You are doing amazing things! And, you’re helping yourself process your feelings, and starting to heal.

    Bravo, Kristian! Bravo. Message me any time. I’m here for you, always!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Way to make me cry! Seriously, thank you so much! I actually feel a little better now that I’ve written this. It’s like a weight has been lifted. I hope by sharing these thpughts, I can help someone in a similar situation. I deeply appreciate the love & prayers! I love you too!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Simon says:

    Hi ya Kristian, this was such an honest look at yourself and how you feel and you’ve shared it with all of us. I lost my mum a few years ago and it’s been hard since then as life has thrown numerous pieces of crap in my direction. My overlying anger isn’t at my mum though it’s at my dad for how he’s treated me since then, more of less excluded me just becasue I live a few hours away. Turned my mums death into something about money and that’s not something I can forgive him for.

    I’m sorry to hear about your hubs, I know how you feel about faith and over the last few years my faith has changed. I still have some beliefs but I think our idea of what faith or God is, is totally wrong and it’s my view this vision of faith is something passed down from may years ago to keep people happy when they had to face death almost daily.

    Hope you’re well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • kristianw84 says:

      Thank you, Simon. I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing & the issues you are facing with your dad. I still keep in touch with my dad, but I feel like we aren’t as close as we once we’re & that pains me. My mom died the day after Christmas, 2015. She made me promise her that I wouldn’t stop loving the holidays, but it’s not easy, I think even more so for my dad. I know he needs time, but we’re now going on 3 years, & I just can’t seem to get him to open up to me. Fortunately, I have my brother & my mom’s sister who are always open to talking about these issues.

      I am feeling better after writing this post, & I guess I’m more angry at the situation than actually at my mom, but it still makes me feel shitty. I’m coping though. I do still find joy in the little things, & I know I’m healing because I can look at old pictures & smile instead of break down in tears, although, I think that will always happen from time to time.

      I currently have a head cold I’m trying to beat, but other than that I am well today. How are you?

      Like

  3. Pingback: Life Lessons From Around the Dinner Table – Truly Inspired 44# – A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip!

  4. Pingback: Life Lessons From Around The Dinner Table – Truly Inspired 44 – A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s