Dear Mom

Dear Mom.

Today is December 28th, 2016. It has been 1 year and 2 days since you left this world. I know it’s been quite some time since I have written, but I just couldn’t find the words I wanted to write to you.

A part of me doesn’t understand how I’m still standing.This time last year, I honestly didn’t believe I could live without you, Yet; here I am! I’ve learned a few things this past year, and most of them were either a slap in the face or a huge wake up call.

1.) The world does not stop just because yours has. -This was the hardest thing for me to face after I lost you. I felt like I was in a movie, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts on display for everyone to see. Time stood still for a while and my chest constricted so tightly it was hard to breathe.

2.) My desire to become a mom has greatly increased. I want the bond that I lost back. While I’ll never truly have what I had with you again, I can build a relationship with my child and have yet another unbreakable bond to help fill this hole in my heart.

3.) Life goes on. Whether I want to or not, there are people who depend on me, and I must keep moving.

4.) I will never be exactly the same person I was before you left, and that’s okay. I shouldn’t be, a part of me died 1 year and 2 days ago as well.

5.) I am stronger than I knew I was. I made it, a year and 2 days later, and I made it. Some days are harder than others. I’ll be writing a grant, or reporting data and all of a sudden I break down, for no real reason. It just hits me out of left field, and I have to close my door and bury my face in a pile of tissues, but it’s okay. I’m getting by, and I’m exactly where I need to be. I’ve gotten through this, I can get through anything!

6.) Big changes after a tragic loss are scary. – I’ve never been one to really fear change. Of course, there is always fear of the unknown, but I’ve always prided myself on adapting well to changes. I’m in a position now where I’m not really sure what’s going to happen to my job, my department, or even really this agency once Trump is sworn into presidency. I’m not sure I even want to stay where I am, but I’m holding on, if nothing else so that I can get some more experience under my belt, and possibly move onward & upward, find other passions of mine, where I’m still helping people.

I’m sure there have been other lessons as well, but these are the ones that really caught me off guard. Oh mommy, I miss you terribly. I want to wrap my arms around you and breathe in your scent. I want to watch Crazy Stupid Love with you because it’s my new favorite Rom Com, and I think you would like it. I want to sip chocolate covered cherry coffee and eat peanut butter cookies with you. Christmas just wasn’t the same without you. Fortunately, Amanda, Ashley, and Khristyn checked in on me frequently, I have some pretty amazing friends. Grandma called and sent me a lovely card. Neil, of course, is my rock, like always. Uncle Dick and Brian called me on Christmas day! I was so surprised to hear from Brian, but it was so nice to talk to him!

Amanda, Adam, Landen, Neil and I have been spending a lot of time together. We try to get together at least once a month. Neil and Landen have been playing video games, and Amanda and I are making new holiday & non-holiday traditions. Our husbands laugh at us, but we know they enjoy it too!

Your granddaughters have grown so much. Time needs to slow down. Jason sent me a family picture of them at Christmas, it was beautiful! I, of course, didn’t take as many pictures as I wanted to. Neil got me a professional camera for Christmas, so it’s my goal to take more pictures in 2017.

My goals for this year are to get back on track with my daily exercises and clean eating. I was angry at myself for getting off track, but I’m trying not too beat myself up about it. This past year was a really tough year for me, and it’s never too late so start again.

Olivia is beautiful. I haven’t seen her in a while, but I can’t wait to see her, hopefully soon, and catch up with Ashley.

Marcia moved and is working with dolphins. I am so proud of her for chasing her dreams, but I miss her. Neil and I have talked about taking a trip down south to see her.

Well, I will close with this for now. I miss you mommy! I know you enjoyed Christmas in Heaven! Give my love to everyone, and tell Grandpa Grab the Steelers are in the playoffs! We are number one in our division!!! Woohoo!

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, your baby I’ll be.” I love you, mom!

Love always,

Your baby girl