Letting Go – A letter to my rapist

Dear S,

I know you’ll never read this, as a matter of fact I’m sure you’ve never read a blog post in your entire life, but I’m not writing this for you. I’m writing this for me! I’m writing this for all of the men and women who are afraid to speak out against their attackers! People often ask “Why do girls stay silent? Why do girls not run to the cops and tell them they’ve been attacked?” The answer is different for everyone, and unless you have been a victim yourself, you have no right to ask such questions! I didn’t, and part of it was because I was scared, but the biggest part of all was that I was ashamed!  That’s right, you raped me and I felt ashamed! How messed up is that?! You took a bright, vibrant, romantic young woman & turned her into a scared, mortified, and dull little girl. I didn’t think love existed for me after what you did, and not only did I believe that love didn’t exist for me, I believed I wasn’t worthy of it.

After all of this time I decided that I would no longer remain silent and I have shared my story. I look back now, and there were so many red flags. Like the bottle of wine, you told me you were in rehab, why would you be pouring us wine? I was so damn naïve, but I digress, this is still 120% your fault! After 9 years, I want to thank you! That’s right, thank you… not for what you did to me, but what you did for me! You drove me into the arms of a man who realizes my beauty and worth more than I do. You drove me into the arms of a man who helped restore my faith in love and brought out the hopeless romantic in me that’s always been there. You drove me into the arms of a man who made me realize I don’t have to live in fear! So thank you. You can threaten, stalk, and tell me you love me all you want. (Although, I wouldn’t advise it. I’m pretty sure there would be nothing left of you if you tried something like that today!)  You may have taken away my innocence, you may have ruined “Patience” by Guns and Roses for me, and you may have even made me a little more paranoid when I’m by myself at night, but you will NEVER take away my spirit, you will never drag me down to your level, and you will never completely break me! You will never be anything more than a coward, but me… oh, I’m already stronger than that girl you took advantage of 9 years ago and the light in her that you dulled is shining brighter than it ever has!

After everything you’ve put me through, the humiliation, the grief, the pain, the torture that not only you inflicted, but the mental torture I put myself through, the emotional turmoil, the guilt, the sadness, the feeling of constantly being afraid, all of it…. I forgive you. I don’t forgive you for your sake; it’s for mine, because it’s who I am. The anger I carried inside of me for years is gone, but it’s not forgotten. I still get flashbacks every now and then, but it’s not as intense, because now I have a man who not only would never hurt me, but consoles me whenever I need it.  Despite everything S, I don’t wish ill of you, in fact; I hope you succeed. I hope that you turn your life around and make something of yourself instead of living whatever kind of life you’re currently living, because at the end of the day my compassion for people greatly outweighs the hatred I once felt for you.

I have finally gotten the girl that is full of hopes and dreams back, and now that I have her I am never letting you or anyone else steal her away, ever again!

Kristian